Charmeded: Series Trois
by kaytee83
Summary: Guys. I don't know how to tell you this. I'm sorry. That's all, I'm sorry. I don't know how I brought myself to do this, but Prue-lovers... beware. Tragedy awaits in this final episode of the show.
1. Finally, F*cking Finally (Hey Don't Swea...

I have decided, out of the good purity... excuse me for a second (ducks out of the room) HA HA HA HA HA HA HA (re-enters)... ahem. Where was I? Oh yes. Out of the pureness of my ol' ticker, I have decided that I'm gonna be crazy and include demons you might recognise!!! The first one is... well, read on to find out!!! Those of you (my loyal fans) who are MOST loyal, will find yourselves pretty happy! Ooh - and when (not if, when) reviewing, if you wanna sign by a decent name (your screen name, unless it's something stupid like... like kaytee83 (lol stephanie18 - j/k) don't worry, as long as it's a okay name you'll be cool). Also maybe put your sex, cos sometimes (as you will see in this episode - sorry if I'm wrong btw) it's hard to tell from the name. You'll understand after taking a look at my reviews page then reading this. NOW onto (boom boom booooooom) SERIES TROIS!!!  
  
REMEMBER - OS = off screen, VO = voice over!!!  
  
I warn you - this episode is feature length. And not by choice!  
  
  
CHARMEDED 3.1: FINALLY, F*CKING FINALLY (HEY DON'T SWEAR!)  
  
  
RECAP: SCREW THIS - IF YOU WANT A RECAP EITHER LOOK AT SERIES TWO OR CHECK OUT THE 'THE BUILD-UP TO' SERIES THREE, I AIN'T WASTING MY TIME ON REPEATING STUFF.  
  
SCENE:  
  
INT. THE FIELD WHERE PHOEBE WAS DUMPED THROUGH TIME. A CAPTION APPEARS AT THE BOTTOM: 'PHOEBE'. IT THEN CHANGES TO 'TWO WEEKS AFTER THE SEPARATION'. IT IS NIGHT, AND AS THE CAMERA PANS AROUND THE FIELD, PHOEBE IS NOWHERE TO BEEN SEEN. THE CAMERA STOPS ON A SOLITARY TREE. WE ZOOM IN. THE LEAVES BEGIN TO RUSTLE, AND UNEXPECTEDLY PHOEBE FALLS OUT OF THE TREE, LANDING ON HER CANDY ASS.  
  
PHOEBE: Owie! How come I always fall on my ass!  
VOICE(OS): Because you're retarded!  
PHOEBE: Who said that? Or was it just a voice in my head?  
  
SHE LOOKS AROUND. NOTHING.  
  
PHOEBE: I'm scared. What will unscare me?  
  
SFX: A TICKING CLOCK, AS PHOEBE THINKS HARD.  
  
PHOEBE: Golly! Oh! Heehee I said golly. Golly rhymes with folly! Which rhymes with dolly! Which rhymes with Pikachu! Which rhymes with there's a demon behind me!   
  
IT TAKES A FEW MINUTES AS SHE REGISTERS WHAT SHE'S SAID.  
  
PHOEBE: Oh! My god! A demon!  
DEMON: Damn right, Pixie!  
PHOEBE: Phoebe.  
DEMON: Whatever, Pixie.  
PHOEBE: Who are you?  
DEMON: I'm the terrifying demon who knocked you out of the tree! I am known as (booming voice) Quistis Trepe, the Ex-Instructor. Therefore I am Ex-Instructor Quistis Trepe. (almost friendly) But call me Quistis, for it is by far the most demonic-sounding part of my name.  
PHOEBE: Okay. Hi Quistis! What is it you used to instruct.  
QUISTIS: Oh you know, the usual, your weaknesses and how to take advantage, defeat you or just physically kick your asses from time to time. But then that frickin website came along, the one that you made? Yeah, so then I was out of business. I remember this one student of mine, a Lori Rom, who was an excellent pupil, but who cleverly realised this: how did I know my teachings actually worked? Most, well, all of my students have failed when putting my lessons into practise, so I have decided to take matters into my own claws and take you on myself. So what do you think of that, Pixie?  
  
SHE REALISES PHOEBE IS SITTING DOWN LEANING AGAINST THE TREE, HALF-ASLEEP. SHE NUDGES HER WITH HER FOOT.  
  
PHOEBE: Wha? Man, you done yet? You totally talk way too much!  
QUISTIS: How dare you insult Quistis and expect to live?  
PHOEBE: Like this: you suck!  
  
QUISTIS THROWS AN ENERGY BALL AT PHOEBE, WHO IS KNOCKED UNCONSCIOUS. THERE IS AN AWKWARD PAUSE.  
  
QUISTIS: Well that was easier than I thought it would be... now I got nothing to do!  
  
SHE WHISTLES FOR A FEW MOMENTS. AN APPLE FALLS OUT OF THE TREE AND SMACKS HER ON THE HEAD.  
  
QUISTIS: Owie! That's not even an apple tree!  
  
SHE SHIMMERS OUT.  
  
BLACK.  
  
SCENE:   
  
INT. THE THEATRE WHERE PIPER WAS DUMPED. A CAPTION APPEARS AT THE BOTTOM OF THE SCREEN. IT READS 'PIPER'. WE SEE TWO ACTORS, ONE MALE, ONE FEMALE, WALKING ACROSS THE STAGE.   
  
BOY: So tell me about the theatre's ghost.  
GIRL: Um, I dunno.  
BOY: Aw come on, every theatre has its ghost, and if I'm joining this one, I wanna know the legend.  
GIRL: Well, I can't say there's much to it. I mean, the theatre was fine until about two weeks ago when strange things suddenly began to happen. Props would come flying down from the flies (Flies is the platform above the stage), actors would suddenly stop moving, like they'd been frozen or something, and things started to randomly explode.   
BOY: You're joshing me.  
GIRL: Believe me, I'm not. Look out!  
  
A CHAIR SUDDENLY FALLS FROM ABOVE. BOY AND GIRL (THAT'S THEIR REAL NAMES) SCREAM AND DIVE OUT OF THE WAY.  
  
CUT TO: UP IN THE FLIES.  
  
PIPER IS LOOKING DOWN ON THE BOY AND GIRL, GIGGLING. SHE PICKS UP A BOOK AND THROWS IT AT THEM.  
  
GIRL: It's the ghost! Run!  
  
THEY START TO RUN, BUT PIPER FREEZES BOY.  
  
GIRL: Boy! Boy! Can you hear me? Please, Boy, wake up!  
  
PIPER BLOWS UP SOME OF THE CHAIRS IN THE AUDIENCE. BOY UNFREEZES, STUMBLES, AND FALLS OVER.  
  
PIPER:(booming voice) Get out! Leave!  
GIRL: Come on!  
BOY: Girl, I'm too scared.  
PIPER: Get the f*ck out you little crap-weasels!  
  
BOY AND GIRL RUN AND EXIT. PIPER COLLAPSES LAUGHING.  
  
PIPER: And I call Prue a comical prodigy! Man I'm a geenyus!  
VOICE(OS): I believe it's 'genius', brainiac.  
  
THE CAMERA PANS UP TO SHOW QUISTIS LOOMING OVER PIPER.  
  
PIPER: Man, do you have to loom so much?  
  
QUISTIS BACKS AWAY.  
  
PIPER: Quistis, what do you want?  
QUISTIS: How do you know my name, Panpipes?  
PIPER: Piper.  
QUISTIS: Whatever, Panpipes. How do you know my name?  
PIPER: Guh! Do you think I don't watch Charmeded? I seen the whole bit with Phoebe! You knocked her out - good! Now you're talking to me - not so good. Do you not realise I have powers other than Phoebe.  
QUISTIS: Phoebe, yeah. She's... negligable.  
  
BOTH LAUGH.  
  
QUISTIS: But I gotta kick your ass good so I get my business back.  
PIPER: Oh yeah, sorry about that. Incidentally, have you ever been on the website? It's actually really g-  
QUISTIS: Shut up! Just - shut up!  
  
QUISTIS THROWS AN ENERY BALL BUT PIPER FREEZES IT.  
  
PIPER: Puh-lease!  
QUISTIS: Okay, so speed isn't something that works against you, you're too fast. But lets see how you handle... speed!  
PIPER: Huh?  
  
QUISTIS SHIMMERS BEHIND PIPER, KICKS HER IN THE ASS THEN SHIMMERS BACK. PIPER FALLS OVER.  
  
QUISTIS: Ha! I kicked your ass! Literally!  
PIPER: F*ck!  
  
QUISTIS LOOMS OVER HER.  
  
PIPER: Ahh! Quit it with the looming already!  
  
QUISTIS BEGINS TO STRIKE PIPER, KICKING HER ASS GOOD! AFTER A FEW MOMENTS, AND SOME CRAZY ACTION MUSIC, SHE STEPS BACK. PIPER IS UNCONSCIOUS, BLEEDING.  
  
QUISTIS: Hah! Cheeky little wench! Panpipes is no more.  
VOICE(OS): Quistis, you do realise they're gonna regain consciousness, therefore they're not really defeated.  
QUISTIS: Who's that? Who's speaking?  
VOICE(OS): It's KT, the voice and your guide from above.  
QUISTIS: You know, I only really want to knock them out, cos if I defeated them, then I wouldn't get any students, wouldn't get paid, and would have to live in that old abandoned mini again.  
KT(OS): Okay. Fine. (under breath) Weirdo. Whatever, just go get Prue now.  
QUISTIS: Right you are, boss!  
  
QUISTIS SHIMMERS OUT.  
  
KT(OS): Demons. Honestly.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
THE FIERY PITS OF HELL. PRUE IS PLAYING CHESS WITH SATAN. SHE MOVES A PIECE ACROSS THE BOARD.  
  
PRUE: Chess!  
SATAN: You are such an idiot.   
PRUE: Did I win?  
SATAN: Hell no.  
  
A FAINT DRUM ROLL IS HEARD IN THE BACKGROUND. SATAN MOVES A PIECE.  
  
SATAN: Check.  
PRUE: Pah! Check? What game are you playing?  
  
PRUE MOVES ANOTHER PIECE.  
  
PRUE: (deliberately) Chess.  
  
SATAN SETS THE BOARD ON FIRE. QUISTIS SHIMMERS IN.  
  
SATAN: Oh, thank god! I mean, thank EVIL god. Therefore, thank me!  
PRUE: Huh?  
  
QUISTIS SMACKS HER ROUND THE MOUTH. PRUE FALLS OVER. SHE ASTRAL PROJECTS BEHIND QUISTIS.  
  
ASTRAL PRUE: One thing you don't know - I'm way-  
QUISTIS: More powerful than your sisters. I know. I don't care - you'll still be easily defeated.  
  
PRUE LOOKS DECIDEDLY TAKEN ABACK. GUESS SHE HADN'T EXPECTED THAT. QUISTIS PICKS UP BOTH PRUES AND BANGS THEM TOGETHER. THEY FALL TO THE FLOOR. ASTRAL PRUE DISAPPEARS. REAL PRUE ATTEMPTS TO GET UP, BUT QUISTIS KICKS HER LEGS OUT FROM UNDER HER.  
  
SATAN: Ha ha! Look at the pathetic little wench!  
  
QUISTIS PICKS UP A NEARBY BASEBALL BAT WHICH WAS CASUALLY LYING AROUND AND BEGINS TO BEAT PRUE WITH IT.  
  
QUISTIS: (between smacking Prue) Hey Satan... what's-brown-and... sticky?  
SATAN: I dunno.  
QUISTIS: A stick!  
  
SATAN DOUBLES IN LAUGHTER.  
  
QUISTIS: What did the pillow say to the other pillow?  
SATAN: Tell me.  
QUISTIS: NOTHING! It's a f*cking pillow you retard!  
PRUE: Hey that was mine!  
SATAN: Shut up! You squint!  
QUISTIS: Yeah she does! Satan - throw her into some shackles for a few days will ya?  
SATAN: Okay!  
  
BIG MENTAL SHACKLES APPEAR ON THE WALL, AND PRUE IS SUDDENLY CHAINED TO THEM.  
  
QUISTIS: Check it! Okay, I'm gonna go get my school back! See ya!  
SATAN: You're welcome back any time!  
  
QUISTIS SHIMMERS OUT. SATAN IS STILL LAUGHING.  
  
SATAN: A stick, oh... ahhh.  
  
CUT TO:   
  
INT. THE CHARMEDED ONES F*CK-OFF PINK MANSION. WE ARE IN THE BASEMENT. THERE IS A LOUD THUMPING NOISE, AND IN THE DARK, WE SEE SOMETHING SLUMP TO THE FLOOR. IT IS A PERSON. IT'S... IT'S... OH MY GOD IT'S-  
  
PAIGE: I gotta... get out of here...  
  
SHE PUSHES THE DOOR WITH HER HANDS. WE SEE SCRATCH MARKS ALL DOWN THE DOOR WHERE SHE HAS ATTEMPTED TO CLAW IT DOWN (PUH-LEASE) AND ALSO WHERE SHE HAS THEN TAKEN OUT HER FRUSTRATIONS ON HER FACE (HA HA). SHE IS DIRTY AND BEATEN UP LOOKING.  
  
PAIGE: My... sisters are... in trouble... not that I care or anything. Specially about that god darn evil Prue. But I smell... so bad!  
WOOGYMAN: Not to me, sweetcheeks.  
PAIGE: Nyahhhh!  
  
SHE SLAMS HERSELF INTO THE DOOR AND GOES RIGHT THROUGH IT, REAPPEARING ON THE OTHER SIDE.  
  
PAIGE: Huh, well if I knew I could do that then the last two years have been one hell of an unnecessary waste of time.  
  
SHE SHRUGS AND WALKS AWAY. A MOMENT PASSES, AND SHE COMES BACK.   
  
PAIGE: Oh yeah! I gotta save the Charmed Ones! Hmm, maybe if I just make up some guff spell then 'They' will think I've tried to bring them back - oh yes, I DO watch Charmeded you know, I know where they all are - anyway, They'll THINK I tried to bring them back, but failed. Then i can have this f*ck-off pink mansion all to myself! Coolio!  
  
SHE THINKS FOR A MOMENT.  
  
PAIGE: Okay... some crap spell. Right. Here we go. "Cool the three Charmeded Ones ain't; Bring them back or I shall... faint; Powers that be I command thee now; Prue, Piper and Phoebe the cow!"  
  
BANG! SUDDENLY THE THREE CHARMEDED ONES APPEAR IN A PUFF OF SMOKE!  
  
PRUE: I'm saved! I mean, I saved us!   
PHOEBE: Wow thanks Prue!  
PRUE: (to Paige) Yech, who let the dogs out? Look at your stupid hair!   
PAIGE: Oh, darnit!  
PIPER: Hey how'd you get out of the basement! Get!  
  
PIPER PUSHES PAIGE BACK INTO THE BASEMENT AND STARTS RUBBING HER HANDS OVER THE DOOR.  
  
PRUE: Piper, in the kindest way I can say this, with the nicest of word choice, what the f*ck are you doing?  
PIPER: I'm magic-proofing the door. So Paige can't escape again.   
PHOEBE: How'd you learn that?  
PIPER: Oh just a little something I picked up from... gee I don't know actually.  
PRUE: You probably got it from me, cos I'm the queen of them all-  
ALL(singing): The queen!  
PRUE: I love that Prue Song(TM)  
KT(OS): Me too!  
  
RANDOMLY, THE THREE GIRLS POSE TOGETHER, KIT JUMPS INTO PIPER'S ARMS AND THEY ALL LOOK DETERMINED. UH HUH, OH... KAY THEN. IT'S THAT WHOLE 'SOMEONE FANCIES THEMSELVES AS A BIT OF A CHARLIE'S ANGELS' THING AGAIN!  
  
PRUE: Okay, enough. Let's all go and praise me!  
  
ALL EXIT. A KNOCKING IS HEARD AT THE BASEMENT DOOR.  
  
PAIGE(OS): Come on, guys - I just saved all your asses... maybe! At least give me some gruel!  
  
PAUSE.  
  
PAIGE(OS): (homer simpson style) Mmm... gruel.  
  
ROLL CREDITS.  
  
VOICE OVER GUY: Man I am so happy to be back! I think I actually have tears in my eyes!  
VOICE OVER WOMAN: Wussie! Well, that was the first episode of Charmeded Series Three. Your comments would be much appreciated by the director, KT, who happens to be a bit of a buffoon. This is what could perhaps happen next time on Charmeded, cos we have learned that our sources of what will happen next aren't always-  
VOICE OVER GUY: Are never.  
VOICE OVER WOMAN: Right, are never quite reliable. So this is what COULD happen:  
  
* * *   
  
PAIGE: Hey Prue!  
PRUE: Paige... your hair... it's... beautiful!  
  
PAUSE.  
  
PRUE BURSTS OUT LAUGHING, EXCEPT FOR PAIGE WHO THEN BURSTS... INTO TEARS AND RUNS OUT. PRUE LOOKS DIRECTLY AT THE CAMERA AND SNIFFS.  
  
PRUE: God I wish there were IMPORTANT people around to see that...  
  
* * *  
  
PHOEBE: Piper, can I get a puppy?  
PIPER: You want another dog?  
PRUE: What? We don't have a dog!  
  
PIPER AND PHOEBE LOOK AT PRUE POINTEDLY.  
  
PRUE: Well we don't!  
  
EVERYONE LAUGHS AT PRUE, THAT STOOPID DOG. HA HA HA HA  
  
* * *  
  
LEO ORBS IN WITH A STRIPE LIKE DRYDEN'S FROM ALIEN ANT FARM (MMM DRYDEN) IN HIS HAIR.  
  
LEO(singing): And just like-ah the movies-ah  
PHOEBE: God if you're gonna impersonate someone, do someone cool - like Alyssa Milano!  
  
* * *  
  
VOICE OVER WOMAN: The end see ya bye!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Well kids, was it worth the wait?  
kt 


	2. A Whole Episode Dedicated To Prue's Stup...

Okay, new episode, new demon! This time it takes the form of one of my most loyal and beloved fans. By the way, I made up the part about loyalty and belovedness. Oh heck, and the part about her being a fan. I hope. But since she has... supported me through my time here at ff.net, I decided to reward her! Enjoy sweetie!  
  
  
CHARMEDED 2.2: A WHOLE EPISODE DEDICATED TO PRUE'S STUPIDITY AND HOW MUCH WE HATE HER. OH MY!  
  
  
  
INT. ATTIC. PRUE AND PIPER ARE LOOKING THROUGH THE BOOK OF SHADOWS (BOS TO ALL YOU STOOPID PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW YOUR CHARMED ABBREVIATIONS!)  
  
PIPER: Look, Prue, I don't know if this is right.  
PRUE: Come on, don't be such a wussie! If there's a spell to vanquish her, then it means we should use it.  
PIPER: Yeah, but I don't know if it was intended for us to use on each other.  
  
PHOEBE ENTERS.  
  
PHOEBE: Hey! What'cha doin'?  
  
PRUE SNAPS THE BOS SHUT.  
  
PRUE: Uhh... nothing!  
PIPER: Not looking for a spell to make you disappear into a pile of dust, that's for sure!  
PHOEBE: Yeah, we'll leave the me turning into dust to Buffy.  
  
SHE WIPES THE BLOOD FROM HER CHIN AND PULLS HER FANGS OUT.   
  
PRUE: Um, am I missing something here?  
PIPER: You're always missing something, retard.  
  
SUDDENLY THERE IS A 'POOF' OF SMOKE AND A HIDEOUS BEAST APPEARS IN FRONT OF THEM.  
  
PIPER: (dryly) Ahh.  
BEAST: Fear me! For I am the Demon who is destined to kill your candy asses and destroy the Charmeded Ones for eternity!  
PHOEBE: Have we met before? On Charmed?  
DEMON: Uh... no. Ahem. Anyway, I am known as the almighty (booming voice) Stephanie18!   
PIPER: What is it with booming voices?  
STEPHANIE18: But you can call me Steph, cos it makes me like, so totally cool sounding!   
PHOEBE: Okay! Cool!  
STEPH: Anyway, yah! Onto the killing!  
  
SHE KICKS PHOEBE, WHO FALLS OVER.  
  
PHOEBE: Oh f*ck! You're not really supposed to hurt me!  
STEPH: Uh... yes I am!  
PRUE: Here, Piper, if we hide behind the BOS, out of sight, I'm sure we'll be safe!  
PIPER: (sarcastic) Oh you clever, intelligent person!  
  
THEY DUCK BEHIND THE BOS, STILL IN PERFECT VIEW.  
  
STEPH: (more sarcastic than Piper) Oh, taxing. Where did they go?  
PHOEBE: Yeah where did they go? No, seriously, I actually don't know.  
PRUE: Hey - this episode is dedicated to MY stupidity!  
PHOEBE: What? I can't help it!   
  
SHE PUTS HER GLASSES ON.  
  
PHOEBE: Man that's better. Oh there you ate, I can see you now! There - behind the Evil Book! Prue, could you have picked a more obvious hiding place?  
PRUE: Actually, yes - I could've done what you did - put my hands over my eyes and pray that if I can't see the demon, it can't see me!  
STEPH: Shut up, idiot! (to Phoebe) I never knew you wore glasses. Although you did seem to be squinting a while ago.  
PHOEBE: Squinting? Pah! That's Prue's job!  
PRUE: I'd argue but it's true.  
PIPER: I know, I mean, what colour ARE your eyes?  
  
PRUE SHRUGS. PHOEBE TAKES OFF THE GLASSES.  
  
PHOEBE: Well that's me done with them!  
  
SUDDENLY PHOEBE BEGINS TO LEVITATE.  
  
PHOEBE: Hey check it! My levitation's back!  
  
SHE THEN FALLS ON HER CANDY ASS.  
  
PHOEBE: Oh, dammit. It's gone again.  
PRUE: Failure.  
  
PAUSE.  
  
PIPER: God Phoebe sucks.  
COLE: (enthusiastically) Yeah she does!  
STEPH: Hey where'd you come from?  
COLE: I dunno, suddenly I was here! Must be some sort of error back...stage?  
STEPH: Who cares! You're cute!  
COLE: Well, so are you!  
  
THEY EXIT, ARMS AROUND EACH OTHER.  
  
PHOEBE: I should feel angry and betrayed, but I don't!  
PIPER: Well, I'd love to stick around, but I gotta go break up with Dan and tell him in the most inconsiderate way possible that I love Leo more than him! Hmm, this is gonna be tough.  
PRUE: Look, I know what you're going through. Remember when Andy died-  
PIPER: Oh blah blah blah Andy! Shut up for once, about your stoopid one and only dead boyfriend!  
KT(OS): Thank god! Even I've heard that speech once too many!  
PRUE: That burns, man. That hurts.  
PIPER: That, my dear Prudence, was why I said it.  
  
PIPER EXITS.  
  
PHOEBE: ... Huh. She broke up with Dan for Leo like... I dunno a year ago?  
PRUE: Ah - she's juggling. Yeah that can be fun.  
PHOEBE: Oh please! You've hardly even had ONE man after you, let alone two which would constitute a juggling of boyfriends.  
PRUE: Was that... a big word?  
PHOEBE: Wha? Huh? I dunno what you're talking about, big sis! Where's my Cheerios?  
PRUE: In the kitchen.  
  
PHOEBE EXITS, SINGING.  
  
PHOEBE: I'd rather have a bowl of Coco Pops!  
  
PRUE WATCHES HER LEAVE, THEN SCAMPERS BACK TO THE BOS. SHE TURNS THE PAGES, THEN STOPS AT ONE.  
  
PRUE: Ah ha!  
  
SHE RIPS IT OUT AND STUFFS IT IN HER BRA. SHE CHECKS HERSELF OUT IN THE MIRROR.  
  
PRUE: Cool! Is there anything this parchment CAN'T do?  
  
CUT TO:   
  
P3. PIPER IS SITTING ON A SOFA WITH DAN.  
  
PIPER: I'm sorry. I still love you, but I have to give it a shot with Leo. But I still love you.  
DAN: Well evidently you don't, because then you wouldn't be breaking up with me.  
PIPER(VO): Hmm should I juggle? (aloud) Okay Dan, I gotta go. Leo and I have a hot date. Bye!  
  
SHE EXITS, LEAVING DAN ALONE. HE LOOKS JUST SLIGHTLY MIFFED!  
  
DAN: Huh, I thought I had the hot date with Leo. Damn!  
  
CUT TO:  
  
THE ATTIC. STEPH IS, FOR WANT OF A BETTER WORD 'MOLLUCHING' ABOUT. BASICALLY, SHE'S SITTING AROUND, BORED. SHE THROWS AN ENERGY BALL AT THE WINDOW, SMASHING IT.  
  
STEPH: Hee hee. Dammit, now I've slept with every nice guy in the show, I've come to realise how boring this place is! No wonder they're all so stupid - it's how they amuse themselves!  
  
SHE SITS AND STARTS GOING THROUGH PHOTO ALBUMS.  
  
STEPH: Oh, I see that Prue lied - she didn't walk into a door. Shame, looking like that all her life. Where're the photos of Phoebe? Oh, these pictures must be from when they hated her. Yeah... those were the days. Oh here's some of Phoebe. Woah! Surgery!  
  
SHE SNAPS SHUT THE ALBUMS AND SHUDDERS. SHE SPENDS A FEW MOMENTS LOOKING AROUND.  
  
STEPH: God this place is a dump. Where are the three little pigs anyway?  
  
THE DOOR BURSTS OPEN AND THE THREE CHARMEDED ONES DASH IN.  
  
PHOEBE: We're gonna vanquish you now!  
  
STEPH BURSTS OUT LAUGHING.  
  
STEPH: Ha ha ha! They're so short! How can I take them seriously!  
  
SUDDENLY PHOEBE BENDS DOUBLE, HAVING A PREMONITION. HER FACE TWISTS IN PAIN. HA HA.  
  
PIPER: What is it Phoebe? What do you see in your premonition?  
  
PHOEBE LURCHES TOWARDS PIPER AND GRABS HER ARM. SHE IS BREATHING EXTREMELY HEAVILY AND CLUTCHING HER CHEST.  
  
PHOEBE: It's not... a prem... onition!  
PRUE: What?  
PHOEBE: Not a prem... onition... I think... its' a... heart... attack!  
PIPER: What? You have a muscley back?  
PHOEBE: Well... I do... and I'm darn proud... of it... but I... think I'm... dying!  
PIPER: You wanna go Hawaiian?  
  
STEPH SIGHS.  
  
STEPH: Want me to help out here?  
PRUE: She's our sister. If anyone knows what's best and can decipher what she means then it's us, no some... some... rogue... demon!  
STEPH: Oh that stings. All right - screw you guys, I'm going home.  
  
STEPH JUMPS OUT THE WINDOW. PHOEBE IS STILL YELLING.  
  
PRUE: (on Phoebe - and that's not literally 'on top of'! I mean... 'in reference to'... There. God what a waste of time explaining stuff to you lot is. Oh no - imagine you lived with Phoebe - it'd be hell! Okay, back to what Prue said - in reference to Little Miss Idium... actually. let's start again!)  
PRUE: What's wrong with her? Wiccan PMS?  
PIPER: I dunno, maybe. I don't know if she's male or female yet, so it could easy be.  
PRUE: Whatever. We better get bumble the boy wonder here to a hospital.  
PIPER: Oh, didn't I tell you? I've been training to become a doctor over the last three nights - and if I learn anywhere as fast as you learnt black belt karate-  
PRUE: Two seconds - yeah! I doubt it.  
PIPER: Then I could probably perform the surgery. Oh - if necessary! (to herself) If necessary. Gotta remember that. Not everything ends in surgery. Right.  
  
THEY BEGIN TO HAUL PHOEBE OUT OF THE ATTIC.  
  
PIPER: Wonder what happened to that Steph after she jumped out of the window.  
  
THEY EXIT.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
EXT. F*CK OFF PINK MANSION. BELOW THE SMASHED WINDOW STEPH JUMPED OUT OF. WE PAN DOWN TO THE GROUND, WHERE STEPH DEMON IS LYING, CRUMPLED UP AND TWITCHING.  
  
STEPH: Uhhh... mental note... jumping out of windows, even on a TV show is NOT a good idea.   
  
ROLL CREDITS.  
  
VOICE OVER GUY: Man what an episode! These demons are getting... um... hell I ain't gonna lie to you - they're getting-  
VOICE OVER WOMAN: Ha ha! How good was Charmeded tonight?  
VOICE OVER GUY: Doohood! I wasn't done! But anyway, here are some clips of what will happen on next weeks Charmeded!  
  
* * *  
  
PRUE: Phoebe, so you said you could talk to squirrels a while ago. And we never actually tried to humiliate you by getting you to prove it.  
PHOEBE: Okay!  
  
A SQUIRREL RANDOMLY ENTERS.  
  
PIPER: Serendipity?  
PHOEBE: Hello, squirrel! There! I talked to the squirrel!  
  
A FAINT DRUM ROLL IS HEARD. PRUE SLAPS PHOEBE.  
  
SQUIRREL: Thanks, lady!  
PRUE: Hey are you calling me old?  
  
* * *  
  
PIPER: Can I have a glass of water?  
PRUE: No.  
  
* * *  
  
PHOEBE: I changed my name again.  
LEO: What, it's not Harry Potter anymore? Well geez, Pheebs, you coulda warned me. (under breath) Before I changed my name to Hermione.  
  
* * *  
  
PRUE: Cripes!  
  
* * *  
  
THE END.  
  
  
  
YOUR AD HERE: 'WATCH' SCREAM 4...0  
A LITTLE NOTE: THANK YOU TO THE FOLKS WHO HOPPED OVER TO THE MOVIES SECTION AND READ MY SCREAM 4...0 STORY, YOU'RE VERY SWEET AND SPECIAL (sniff)! AND I TOLD YOU YOU WOULDN'T BE DISAPPOINTED WITH SHANNEN'S PART! I ESPECIALLY LIKE THE NAME OF HER CHARACTER - I'M JUST SOOOO INVENTIVE! 


	3. Piper is the coolest, has always been an...

PMCM (hey I got your name right) if you read this don't be offended by reference to Lucked - it's a complement in my own weird way! You're cool and so is your story! Hehe. kt  
  
  
  
  
CHARMEDED 3.3: PIPER IS THE COOLEST, HAS ALWAYS AND WILL ALWAYS BE, THE COOLEST.   
  
PRELUDE: COLE'S QUESTION TIME  
  
FADE IN ON:  
  
COLE IS SITTING IN A BIG ARMCHAIR WITH A TABLE IN FRONT OF HIM WITH PAPERS ON IT.   
  
COLE: Hi, I'm Cole and welcome to Cole's Question Time. I, the beautiful Cole, will be answering your questions, and I hope to maybe even get my own regular slot! Anyway, here goes.  
  
HE PICKS UP A PIECE OF PAPER AND READS IT.  
  
COLE: Cici Cooper, from Woodsboro, writes to me asking "How come Cole is so damn hot?" Well, Cici, I like to use a special facial regime which I'd be only too glad to share with you - personally. I'll write back and line up a date, I mean, 'small meeting' where we can chat! Okay? Okay!  
  
HE GETS ANOTHER PIECE OF PAPER.  
  
COLE: Holden McNeil, from New Jersey asks "Cole, I love Charmeded and all it's leading lady characters. I like to think I know all there is to know about them, but one problem has arisen out of my quest for the know-how. Prue just squints at people so damn much, what colour are her eyes?" Holden, Holden, Holden. A fan like yourself will obviously be an avid watcher to know the colours of the other sisters eyes, so if you don't know what colour Prue's are, why should anyone else? If you observe them that closely then the person who should know most would be you. Even I try to avoid looking at Prue most of the time. And do you blame me?  
  
ANOTHER LETTER.  
  
COLE: Alyssa Milano from Urguay or however you spell/pronounce it writes "Will you go out with me?" Alyssa, the answer to that is as simple as you are: no. Join me next time for more of your questions! And remember, it's not Cole's Question Time, without Cole.   
  
ROLL OPENING CREDITS.  
  
FADE IN.  
  
KITCHEN. PHOEBE AND PIPER ARE SITTING ON EITHER SIDE OF THE TABLE. THERE IS AN OREO IN THE MIDDLE OF THEM. THEY ARE BOTH STARING AT EACH OTHER MENACINGLY.  
  
PHOEBE: Stay away or I'll... I'll... premonition you to death!  
PIPER: Uh, can you do that?  
  
PHOEBE LOOKS AT PIPER MEANINGFULLY.  
  
PHOEBE: You wanna call my bluff and see what happens?  
  
PHOEBE DOES ACTUALLY LOOK QUITE CONVINCING (!!!)  
  
PIPER: Uh... no, no. It's cool. I don't really want the last oreo anyway!  
PHOEBE: Yes! The last cookie goes to the girl with the power!  
  
SHE EATS IT WHOLE AND BEGINS TO CHOKE. PIPER GIGGLES AND WALKS AWAY, LEAVING PHOEBE TO HER OWN 'ANTI-CHOKING' DEVICES (OF WHICH, HAPPILY ENOUGH, SHE HAS NONE!).  
  
CUT TO:  
  
INT. LIVING ROOM. PRUE IS WATCHING THE TV. PIPER ENTERS.  
  
PIPER: What you watching?  
PRUE: Spellbound.  
PIPER: Spellbound?  
PRUE: Yeah - it's about three sister witches who have to, like, fight demons and stuff.  
PIPER: Yeah, cos after Buffy a show like that would certainly hold!  
  
BOTH LAUGH. PRUE CHANGES THE CHANNEL.  
  
PIPER: What's this?  
PRUE: Lucked.  
PIPER: Lucked?  
PRUE: Yeah, it's about three sister witches who have to, like, fight demons and stuff.  
PIPER: What! Sure - cos after Buffy and Spellbound this REALLY's gonna hold it's own!  
  
BOTH LAUGH. PRUE CHANGES THE CHANNEL.  
  
PIPER: What's this?  
PRUE: Charmed.  
PIPER: Let me guess - it's about three sister witches who have to, like, fight demons and stuff.  
PRUE: Close, but it's actually about two slutty sisters and one frigid one who's actually married and more about their sex lives than demons. Oh, and how they manage to incorporate every sort of demon they come across into a personal lesson for themselves, and attempt to - but don't really - apply it to their pitiful lives.   
PIPER: Nice house though!  
PRUE: Yeah - but it's pink! What's with that!  
  
BOTH LAUGH (OH, THE IRONY). PRUE CHANGES THE CHANNEL.  
  
PIPER: What's this?  
PRUE: Dunno, looks like some sort of porno with... is that Alyssa Milano?  
PIPER: I'd be surprised if it wasn't!  
  
BOTH LAUGH. PRUE IS ABOUT TO CHANGE THE CHANNEL.  
  
PIPER: That DOESN'T mean it's not top quality entertainment. Give me that remote!  
  
COLE SHIMMERS IN. HE IS BREATHING ALL HEAVILY AND STUFF.  
  
COLE: There's a (gasp) demon (choke) and... aw naw likes! You're watching porn! Without me!   
  
LEO ORBS IN.  
  
LEO: Did someone say something about porn?  
  
LEO AND COLE HIGH FIVE. PHOEBE ENTERS, SEES THE TV, RUSHES OVER AND TURNS IT OFF.  
  
PRUE: Hey!  
PHOEBE: Uh... Cole, didn't you say something about a demon?  
COLE: Well yeah, but you weren't in the room - how did you know?  
PHOEBE: (sighs) People are saying this so often it's like a god damn catchphrase for the show now. I do watch Charmeded you know, I've watched everything that's happened so far. I also have...  
  
SHE PRODUCES A SCRIPT.  
  
PHOEBE: This little baby! And check out what I can do!  
  
SHE GRABS A PEN AND STARTS TO SCRIBBLE ON THE SCRIPT. SHE MUTTERS TO HERSELF WHILE SHE WORKS.  
  
PHOEBE: Prue says "I love myself"? Pah! Let's changed that to Prue says... "I love pie!"  
PRUE: I love pie! Phoebe! Stop it!  
  
PHOEBE CONTINUES TO WRITE, CHANGING THE SCRIPT.  
  
PIPER: I feel like some chiquita bananas! Hey - why did I say that?  
  
PHOEBE SNIGGERS AND CONTINUES TO WRITE.  
  
PHOEBE: Maybe I'll change the moves you guys make!   
  
PRUE SMACKS HERSELF OVER THE HEAD SEVERAL TIMES.  
  
PRUE: Ow! Phoebe - that hurts!  
COLE: That looks like fun!  
  
HE GRABS THE SCRIPTS AND BEGINS TO SCRIBBLE ON IT. PHOEBE DROPS TO HER KNEES IN FRONT OF HIM AND BEGINS TO UNDO HIS PANTS.  
  
PIPER: Ew, no!  
  
SHE SHOVES PHOEBE AWAY AND GRABS THE SCRIPT.  
  
PIPER: Yech.  
  
SHE BEGINS TO WRITE.  
  
PHOEBE: So what about this demon, Cole I think you should go out with Piper, is it dangerous?  
COLE: ... what?  
PHOEBE: Piper!  
PIPER: What? I didn't make you say that! I was too busy making Prue say-  
PRUE: I hate myself!  
  
PRUE RUNS UP THE STAIRS, TURNS AROUND AND THROWS HERSELF BACK DOWN THEM.  
  
PIPER: Now THAT's entertainment!  
  
PRUE RUNS OVER, GRABS THE SCRIPT AND THROWS IT IN THE FIRE. NOBODY MOVES, AND ALL LOOK EXTREMELY NERVOUS AND UNCERTAIN.  
  
PIPER: Uh... what just happened?  
PRUE: I dunno, I can't remember anything that's just happened.  
LEO: This is weird, I know I usually hardly ever say anything anyway, but I don't know what to say.  
COLE: Wait a sec, where's the script?  
  
EVERYONE SHRUGS.  
  
COLE: Huh.   
PHOEBE: Oh well, I guess we'll have to write our own show.  
KT(OS): Yes, and you lot at home thought they made it up anyway! Oh no, everything they say and do is scripted - they're not just bad actors, but the writer is bad too!  
SHANNEN: Who just said that? I'm a great actress!  
PIPER: Well obviously not, PRUE, because you just came out of character, SHANNEN.  
SHANNEN: Sh*t. Okay, forget it.  
PRUE: There!  
  
OUT OF THE BLUE, A DEMON CRASHES THROUGH THE WALL.  
  
PIPER: Oh, not the wall!  
  
SHE PICKS UP A FEW BRICKS AMD ATTEMPTS TO PUT THE WALL BACK UP.  
  
DEMON: Uh, hello? I am X-Moonchick!  
PRUE: X-Moonchick?  
  
ALL LAUGH AT X-MOONCHICK.  
  
X-MOONCHICK: What, it's not like the other demons so far have had cool names! Ex-Instructor something something? Stephanie18? Come on!!!  
PHOEBE: Yeah, but they made us call them cool stuff, like Quistis and Steph!  
X-MOONCHICK: (sighs) Fine. Call me... Moonie!  
  
ALL SNIGGER.  
  
MOONIE: Grr OKAY! Call me... (booming voice) X!  
PRUE: X?  
X: X.  
PHOEBE: Sex?  
X: No, dumbass, X.  
PIPER: Mmmkay then, will people stop saying X?  
PHOEBE: I don't like this demon as much as the other two!  
X: Hey! Why you little...  
  
PAUSE.   
  
PIPER: It still baffles me that no one ever finishes that f*cking sentence, I mean it totally p*sses me off, blows my f*cking mind so much I wanna take that sh*t Prue's head and f*cking shove it through a potato masher!  
X: What, you have some sort of swearing problem there?  
PRUE: Here we go...  
PIPER: What the F*CK! It's not a f*cking problem, okay you big heffer sh*t-faced wh*re tr*mp b*tch sl*t f*ck-head! It's a f*cking HABIT! And you know what c*ck eater? Not all goddamn habits are f*cking bad, okay? Tu compreendo, sh*t-chomper?  
  
THERE IS A VERY LONG PAUSE WHILE PIPER CALMS HERSELF. THEN PHOEBE DECIDED TO TRY TO BE COOL AND REINFORCE PIPER. BUT STILL, SHE'S A BIT OF A FAILURE AS YOU'LL FIND OUT:  
  
PHOEBE: Got that?  
  
X HITS PHOEBE, WHO DOESN'T REACT. COLE THROWS AN ENERGY BOLT AT X, WHO BURSTS INTO FLAMES.  
  
X: At least I got to smash Phoebeeeeeeeee!  
  
SHE DISAPPEARS.  
  
LEO: Well that was easy.  
COLE: I hate how you always make it out like it was you who did all the work and saved the day.  
PHOEBE: What are you saying? He did!  
PRUE: Leo, you're my hero!  
PIPER: Yeah you are!  
COLE: What the f*ck!?!  
  
COLE SHIMMERS OUT, KNOCKING OVER A TABLE AND A VASE ON HIS WAY.  
  
PHOEBE: What got up his ass?  
  
LEO LOOKS NERVOUS.  
  
LEO: Uh... I gotta go...  
  
LEO ORBS OUT.  
  
PRUE: Yech.  
PHOEBE: OWIE!  
  
PHOEBE FALLS OVER. HER NOSE STARTS TO BLEED.  
  
PIPER: Woah what just happened?  
PRUE: Well, using my vast knowledge of everything, I'd say it was a delayed reaction to when X punched her.  
PHOEBE: Why?  
PRUE: How the hell should I know! Now let's end the episode while we're on a high!  
  
ALL THREE FACE THE CAMERA AND WAVE.  
  
ALL: Bye!  
  
ROLL CREDITS.  
  
VOICE OVER GUY: Will the girls ever stop being so cheesy? Will Leo and Cole reveal their scanty secret? Will Prue ever realise her hair has turned a nasty shade of red? And will anyone ever tell one of those "what's brown and sticky?" jokes? Find out next week on Charmeded when:  
  
* * *  
  
PRUE(singing): I shot the sheriff, but I did not shoot the deputy...  
  
* * *  
  
PIPER: I have decided I am no longer a witch, but I am an alien. Aliens are, of course, still subjected to the same sort of persecution, maybe more, but I wanna be one. Sooo... see ya!  
  
SHE RUNS OUT THE MANSION AND HOPS INTO A FLYING SAUCER.  
  
PIPER: Up, up and away!  
  
SHE FLIES AWAY. PRUE AND PHOEBE STARE.  
  
PHOEBE: There goes one heck of a witch.  
  
PRUE ELBOWS PHOEBE.  
  
PRUE: Alien, doofus.  
  
* * *  
  
PHOEBE: Cole, why didn't you tell me you were an escort?  
COLE: Because Prue would've hurt me!  
PHOEBE: What does Prue have to do with you being someone who gets paid to date people?  
COLE: Well, she's paying for me... sort of like a prank... on you...  
PHOEBE: WHAT? I thought you loved me!  
  
COLE BURSTS OUT LAUGHING.  
  
COLE: Please! If I love anyone it's Prue!  
  
SUDDENLY THEY STOP MOVING AND LOOK AT THE CAMERA.  
  
COLE: Huh, as if!  
PHOEBE: Yeah, like that would ever happen!  
  
THEY FACE EACH OTHER AGAIN.  
  
PHOEBE: I love you sweetie.  
COLE: Okay, but I love Piper.  
  
THEY LOOK AT THE CAMERA.  
  
PHOEBE: Another good one.  
COLE: Are you serious? It's true, I do!  
  
COLE RUNS AWAY. PHOEBE LOOKS AT THE CAMERA.  
  
PHOEBE: Huh?  
  
* * *  
  
VOICE OVER GAL: And you can catch that on next week's Charmeded!  
  
  
  
  
  
KT: Blah de blah oh. Hello. In case any of you were, ahem, wondering, the next scene of Scream 4...0 is over there!!! And if you like Prue, you may not like this chapter - something nasty happens to her (and it's not the whole fondue thing!) 


	4. The Philosophical...ness That Is Encase ...

CHARMEDED 3.4: THE PHILOSOPHICAL...NESS THAT IS ENCASED WITHIN... PHOEBE???  
  
PRELUDE: COLE'S QUESTION TIME.  
  
INT. COLE'S BIG ARMCHAIR LAND. BUT COLE IS NOT THERE. INSTEAD, ROSE MCGOWAN COMES AND SITS IN HIS SEAT. SHE DOES NOT REALISE THAT WE ARE ROLLING, SO TALKS TO THE PERSON BEHIND THE CAMERA.  
  
ROSE: Is my hair okay?  
SHANNEN(OS): No! It's stoopid as usual.  
ROSE: I really feel uncomfortable with her being around me all the time.  
HOLLY(OS): Well, you did try to replace her, and now you're replacing Cole.  
ALYSSA(OS): Rose, you know, Cole didn't do anything to deserve this.  
JULIAN(OS: You know, Cole isn't my real name.  
ALL: Shut up!  
ROSE: Look, it's what I do! I hunt out people and take their jobs. So what if I'm evil and should be shot! Shannen had her back turned so I snuck into her place. You win some, you lose some. C'est la vie!  
SHANNEN(OS): Alright, that's it! I'm sick and tired of you attempting to be clever and using stupid foreign cliches! Die!  
  
SHANNEN ENTERS, JUMPS ON ROSE AND BEGINS THROTTLING HER. THREE SECURITY DOODS IN WHITE COATS GRAB SHANNEN AND PUT A STRAIGHT JACKET ON HER. THEY BEGIN TO DRAG HER OFF.  
  
SHANNEN: This isn't over, McGowan! Hey - this is surprising comfortable!  
HOLLY(OS): Serendipity?  
  
ROLL OPENING CREDITS.  
  
INT. LIVING ROOM. PHOEBE IS WATCHING THE TV. PIPER ENTERS.  
  
PIPER: Hey Pheebsie, what you watching?  
PHOEBE: The Never Ending Story. It's this great movie about-  
PIPER: I know. I saw it when I was eleven. Boy, was it ever a disappointment.  
PHOEBE: What do you mean?  
PIPER: Well, if it lived up to its name, I'd still be watching it, wouldn't I? Seriously, Phoebe, you may as well quit while you're ahead.  
  
PHOEBE BLINKS A FEW TIMES, AS IF SOMETHING SHE ATE HAS JUST TAKEN EFFECT...  
  
PHOEBE: Wow. I guess The Never Ending Story not being never ending is just one of those things...  
PIPER: What do you mean?  
PHOEBE: Oh, you know, like how the word abbreviation is so long it has an abbreviation! And how 'phoenetically' is so hard to spell and say!  
PIPER: Hey - I didn't realise you were so philosophical these days!  
PHOEBE: Philosophy, oh, dear poor poverton Piper (that was called alliteration in speech, my dear) thou hast forsaken me to request for that old charm you associate with thanking Prudence for creating thus; a new fantastico brain called... Phoebe.  
  
PIPER LOOKS STUPEFIED.  
  
PIPER: Huh?  
PHOEBE: It's the new me. Prue created me.  
PIPER: How? You're all clever and stuff! I don't like it!  
PHOEBE: Well, you should find yourself having to get used to it.   
  
PRUE ENTERS AND, IN A WORD, CLOBBERS PHOEBE OVER THE HEAD WITH A BROKEN TENNIS RACKET.  
  
PIPER: Nice racket! How's it broken?  
PRUE: Oh, from the last time I, in a word, clobbered Phoebe over the head with it.  
PHOEBE: I, uhhh, sss... cheese... cookie... I wanna go get some skooshy cream!  
PIPER: Hey she's back to normal!  
PRUE: I know. Who'd have thought she'd actually benefit from the time I made her swallow a dictionary, a thesaurus and a fourteen-volume encyclopedia. It actually made her cleverer! But-  
  
SHE TK'S PHOEBE INTO THE WALL.  
  
PRUE: I'm sure I can get her back to her old self.   
  
LEO ORBS IN.  
  
LEO: Hi!  
  
LEO ORBS OUT.  
  
PIPER: Hmmmwell fine. D*ck.  
PRUE: What the f*ck's been going on between you two? You'ver been cold to each other since Leo came out!  
KT(OS): Leo came out?  
PRUE: KT, just because you write and film the series, it doesn't mean we don't have our own lives behind the scenes.   
KT(OS): Actually, it kinda does... doesn't it?  
  
PRUE TK'S KT INTO A WALL, WHICH INCIDENTALLY IS ON CAMERA. KT GETS UP, DUSTS HERSELF OFF AND NOTICES SHE'S BEING FILMED.  
  
KT: No, no, no! I'm not supposed to be on this show! Shannen you bumbling fool!  
SHANNEN: Screw you, bitch!  
KT: I'm gonna have to teach you a lesson.  
SHANNEN: Oh please, like you can beat me and my powers.  
KT: Oh, I have some powers of my own.  
  
SHANNEN LOOKS NERVOUS.  
  
SHANNEN: Um, what?  
KT: Alright, I'm gonna give a flashback warning. (shouts) WARNING! FLASHBACK! Done and done. Now, Shannen - cast your mind back to the first ever episode of Charmeded.  
  
* * *  
  
PIPER: What? Who died and made you... all of us?  
PAIGE: Prue, actually.  
PIPER: ... that's very true. So. What powers you got?  
PAIGE: Well, not being one to brag...  
PIPER: You are so Prue's replacement.  
PAIGE: I have Levitation, Premonition, Astral Projection, Telekinesis, Tae Kwon Do, Telepathy, Matrix Moves and some stupid powers without names, mainly freezing and blowing stuff up, but they hardly count-  
PIPER: Hey...  
PAIGE: Dreamwalking, Healing Touch, Shapeshifting, Possession and Weather Control, and my personal favourite, Flower Arranging.  
PIPER: Wow that's quite a repertoire you got there!  
  
* * *  
  
KT: I wrote Paige's character's powers based on my own.  
  
PAIGE ENTERS.  
  
PAIGE: She's right, you know. Pfft, what kinda idiot would actually BELIEVE that I could do anything as cool as dreamwalking, weather control and flower arranging?  
  
PIPER LOOKS ASHAMED.  
  
PAIGE: Oh yeah - you! Halliwell, you buffoon.  
PIPER: Stop calling me that!  
PAIGE: Halliwell.  
PIPER: Nyyyahhhh!  
  
PIPER JUMPS ON PHOEBE AND BEGINS BEATING HER TO SH*T.  
  
PHOEBE: Ow! Piper get off me! It's not Paige, it's Phoebe!  
PIPER: So? Maybe I didn't mean to jump on Paige.  
  
KT RUNS OFF SCREEN. THANK GOD. SUDDENLY THERE IS A 'POOF' OF SMOKE AND A DEMON APPEARS.  
  
PHOEBE: Oh no.  
PRUE: (monosylabically) Uh oh it's a de-mon help us quick.  
DEMON: Stop taking the piss!  
PIPER: Name?  
DEMON: Siamese.  
PIPER: Reason for being here?  
PHOEBE: It's obviously to destroy the Charmeded Ones you idium Piper!  
SIAMESE: Actually, I just like the show.  
PHOEBE: Oh...  
PIPER: NOW who's the idium?  
SIAMESE: But since you mentioned it...  
  
SIAMESE THROWS PHOEBE THROUGH THE WINDOW. THERE IS A LONG PAUSE WHILE SIAMESE LOOKS AT PIPER AND PRUE AS IF EXPECTING PRAISE.  
  
PRUE: Sheesh well any of us coulda done that.  
SIAMESE: Oh.  
  
SIAMESE THROWS PIPER INTO A LARGE CAULDRON WHICH RANDOMLY APPEARS. PHOEBE CRAWLS BACK IN.  
  
PIPER: Hey where'd this cauldron come from?  
PRUE: Uh, it's not mine! Or is it...?  
  
SIAMESE LIGHTS A FIRE UNDER THE CAULDRON.  
  
PIPER: What's that smell? Is someone cooking?  
  
PRUE ROLLS HER EYES.  
  
PIPER: Smells good... could do with some chutney or something to bring out that juicy aroma!  
SIAMESE: You're the boss!  
PHOEBE: Who's the boss?  
  
A FAINT DRUM ROLL IS HEARD. THIS TIME IT IS PRUE WHO THROWS PHOEBE OUT OF THE WINDOW.  
  
PRUE: Look, Siamese, you're cooking Piper.  
PIPER: Oh, the irony!   
SIAMESE: Huh?  
PIPER: I'm a cook and I'm getting cooked!  
PRUE: Shut up!  
  
PRUE GETS A REMOTE CONTROL AND POINTS IT AT PIPER.  
  
PIPER: No! Prue you can't-  
  
PRUE PRESSES 'MUTE'. PIPER CONTINUES TO SPEAK BUT IS NOT HEARD.  
  
PIPER: ...  
PRUE: Right. Siamese. Does this mean that once she's done you're gonna want to eat her?  
PIPER: !!!  
SIAMESE: Uh, yeah! Then what would be the point of... oh f*ck it, I can't be bothered! I'm off. I'm sure she tastes like crap anways.  
PIPER: ...*^£%*$*&...  
PRUE: Oh, wait, Piper I wanna hear that.   
  
PRUE PUTS PIPER'S VOLUME BACK ON.  
  
PIPER: Screw you you f*cking di*ckhead *sshole b*tch! I'll taste better than anything you've ever laid your poverty stricken eyes on you f*cking... f*cking DILLHOLE!  
SIAMESE: Sounds like you have a bit of a problem there!  
  
PIPER LOOKS INCREDULOUSLY ANGRY. SHE IS ABOUT TO LET SIAMESE HAVE IT WHEN PRUE PUTS HER BACK ON MUTE. WHAT WE THEN SEE IS A VERY FUNNY DISPLAY OF PIPER MOUTHING OFF AND CURSING TO HER HEARTS CONTENT IN COMPLETE SILENCE.  
  
PRUE: Piper has issues.  
SIAMESE: Well... bye then.  
PRUE: No way! We're gonna vanquish you!  
SIAMESE: Catch me! Oh, one last thing - until Phoebe vanquishes someone, make mine Charmeded!  
  
SIAMESE RUNS AWAY. SECONDS LATER, WE HEAR AN ANGUISHED SCREAM. PRUE AND A DRIPPING WET PIPER FOLLOW SIAMESE INTO THE HALL.  
  
CUT TO: HALL. THERE IS A PILE OF DUST ON THE FLOOR AND PHOEBE IS STANDING LOOKING UPSET.  
  
PIPER: Pheebs you vanquished her! How?  
PHOEBE: All I wanted was a goodbye hug...  
PRUE: Oh I get it. I'd rather die too!  
PIPER: I guess we can't 'make hers Charmeded' then, cos that was a vanquish Phoebe did alone!  
PHOEBE: No one likes me!  
  
PIPER AND PRUE LAUGH AT PHOEBE.  
  
ROLL CREDITS.  
  
* * *   
  
VOICE OVER WOMAN: Will they ever stop laughing at Phoebe? Will Cole ever stay for more than sixteen seconds? Will Phoebe get a life and will Piper realise her flesh has melted and her hair has singed off. Find out next time on Charmeded.  
  
* * *  
  
PHOEBE: I'm a puppy!  
PRUE: Well, Pheebs, the new rule in this house is that whenever you see a dog you gotta kick it.  
  
PIPER, PHOEBE, COLE AND LEO ALL KICK PRUE.  
  
PRUE: Hey what's the idea?  
COLE: Like you said, whenever you see a dog you gotta kick it!  
  
* * *  
  
COLE SHIMMERS IN.  
  
COLE: One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, twenty! There - I stayed on for more than sixteen seconds!  
  
HE SHIMMERS OUT.  
  
* * *  
  
VOICE OVER GUY: And all that's most likely not on next weeks Charmeded! See ya!  
  
  
  
  
  
Hey to whoever lives in the UK, isn't it weird how all-out living is going to advertise Charmed? I've seen loads of adverts on every channel as opposed to the usual (lol) "three is a magic number" one - which is by far the best, and you wanna know why? Cos Prue's there!   
So I'm watching all the new adverts, and I'm actually feeling pure hatred. Seriously, I am. I am gonna not like Charmed, all because of that b*tch-wh*re McGowan!   
Why, Shannen, why?   
And it's made even worse because living's all like "the forth and best series ever". Bastards.  
Sorry to any Paige fans. Oh, wait, no I'm not!!!  
  
Lots of Love and APPP, kt 


	5. Two Parter Number Two: Part One

Hey what's with all the "you gots to download fanfiction" things? I don't do it, cos I don't know how to, but it keeps telling me to so I have to follow some dumb link and wander about from there... WHATS GOIN ON YOU IDIUMS???  
  
  
So I'd been having fun with my Scream 4...0 I thought I'd invite Ms. Prescott over to visit her good friend Prue (who may be dead or may not be dead. Okay so she is... or is she???)  
  
Oh, and guys - I wanna say I wrote this a few weeks ago and thought it was crap. And I read over it and MY GOD IS IT GEENYUS!!! This is maybe one of the best episodes yet, some lines are just... god I astound myself with my incredibleness sometimes, yah know? BANG! That was the sound of my head exploding.  
  
Yeah, and I don't know why but this is inexplicably incredibly long... another feature-length episode? And in two parts??? Jeez...  
  
  
CHARMEDED 3.5: TWO PARTER NUMBER TWO; PART ONE.  
  
EXT. THE STREETS OF WOODSBORO - NIGHT.   
  
CUT TO:  
  
INT. A LIVING ROOM OF A HOUSE. THE PHONE RINGS. SIDNEY PRESCOTT ENTERS AND ANSWERS.  
  
SIDNEY: Who the f*ck is this? I have call ID and the police screen my calls for me. So if you try to kill me, I'll make sure you get hit first, mother-f*cker. Oh hey, Gail, what's up?  
  
CUT TO:  
  
EXT. THE HOUSE. GHOSTFACE IS CREEPING ABOUT OUTSIDE. HE LOOKS THROUGH THE WINDOW AND SEES SIDNEY PRANCING ABOUT ON THE PHONE. HE CAN JUST ABOUT HEAR WHAT SHE'S SAYING.  
  
SIDNEY(OS): Yeah, I'm just gonna make some mouldy carrot sticks and watch a movie. What do you mean I never learn?  
  
GHOSTFACE CRASHES THROUGH THE WINDOW, SIDNEY SCREAMS AND RUNS AWAY. WE SEE A BIG ACTION CHASE SCENE WHERE SIDNEY DECIDES FOR ONCE TO GO OUT THE FRONT DOOR RATHER THAN UP THE STAIRS. UNFORTUNATELY, HER EYES FALL ON A BIG LUMP OF ROAST CHAMELEON SITTING TEMPTING...LY ON HER PATH. SHE STOPS, STARING, MAYBE DROOLING A BIT. GHOSTFACE WALKS UP BEHIND HER. SHE TURNS TO LOOK AT HIM, TEARS IN HER EYES (WHAT A SURPRISE).  
  
SIDNEY: My only weakness... how did you know?  
  
WE CLOSE UP ON GHOSTFACE'S RAISED KNIFE. IT SLAMS OUT OF SHOT AND WE HEAR A HIGH-PITCHED SCREAM.  
  
SIDNEY(OS): Think I'd give up that easily, mother schmucker! Oh, and by the way - you scream like a girl!  
  
THE CAMERA PANS DOWN TO SEE SIDNEY RUNNING AWAY INTO THE DISTANCE WHOOPING, LEAVING GHOSTFACE HOLDING ON TO HIS CROTCH.  
  
GHOSTIE: (all high and stuff) Owie.  
  
ROLL CREDITS.  
  
INT. F*CK-OFF PINK MANSION. LIVING ROOM. PHOEBE IS CHASING PIPER, WHO IS CLUTCHING PHOEBE'S 'BLANKIE'.  
  
PHOEBE: Give it, Piper!  
PIPER: Ha ha! Finally it's my turn to act like an ass.  
PHOEBE: No! That's my job!  
  
THEY ARE NOW ON EACH SIDE OF THE COUCH. PHOEBE JUMPS OVER IT, PIPER SKIPS OUT OF THE WAY AND PHOEBE SMOOSHES HER FACE ON THE CARPET. SHE GETS UP AND CONTINUES TO CHASE PIPER IN CIRCLES.  
  
PHOEBE: I'm gonna kick your ass as soon as I catch you!  
PIPER: Please! What're you gonna do, premonition me to death?  
PHOEBE: I thought we already established that last week - yeah, I will!  
  
THEY STOP ON EITHER SIDE OF THE COUCH AGAIN, PANTING.  
  
PIPER: Loser. So what will I do with this blankie? I might... give it to Prue!  
PHOEBE: No, Piper, please. If Prue knew I still had that blankie then she'd take it away and beat me up three times as much as she already does, and I'm just not ready for that yet.  
PIPER: I find it hard to cope too, you know. And having my own little personal slave will make it so much easier! So I henceforth christen you 'Pixie. The Wench'.  
PHOEBE: And what if I refuse?  
PIPER: Then Prue's gonna get really sore knuckles.  
PHOEBE: Okay, okay, god damn.  
  
PIPER EXITS TO HIDE PHOEBE'S BLANKIE. PRUE ENTERS.  
  
PRUE: Did I hear shouting?  
PHOEBE: Um yeah. It was me... at the TV.  
  
PRUE LOOKS AT THE TV. IT'S TURNED OFF.  
  
PHOEBE: Uh... trying to see if I could get a new power. A 'scream-at-it-and-it'll-happen' power.  
PRUE: Well don't let it happen again.  
  
THE DOORBELL RINGS.  
  
PRUE: Now who could that be?  
  
CUT TO:  
  
INT. MANOR HALL. THE DOORBELL RINGS AGAIN.   
  
PIPER(OS): Alright, alright!  
  
PIPER WALKS INTO VIEW WITH PRUE AND PHOEBE CLOSE BEHIND. SHE OPENS THE DOOR AND IT IS...  
  
PRUE: Sidney!  
SIDNEY: Prue!  
PIPER: What you two know each other?  
PRUE: Oh, uh, I mean, who are you?  
  
SIDNEY WRAPS PRUE IN A HUGE HUG.  
  
SIDNEY: I knew you weren't dead, I just knew it!  
PHOEBE: Prue? Care to explain?  
PIPER: Phoebe, I could really do with a biscuit with chocolate spread on it.  
PHOEBE: What, you want me to applaud you?  
PIPER: No, I want you to get it.  
SIDNEY: Um... I'd be glad to help out.  
PIPER: No not you, Phoebe.  
PHOEBE: I dunno Piper, how about NO!  
  
PIPER GETS A 'WILY' LOOK ABOUT HER.  
  
PIPER: Phoebe, you know how in talk shows how they BLANKIE out the swearwords?  
PHEOBE: Alright! I'm going!  
  
PHOEBE EXITS. COLE SHIMMERS IN.  
  
SIDNEY: What the f*ck? Where'd you come from?  
COLE: Um... I'm not really here.  
  
DANCES AROUND SIDNEY WAVING HIS ARMS ABOUT.  
  
COLE: It's a dreeeeeeammmm.  
  
PHOEBE ENTERS WITH BISCUITS COVERED IN CHOCOLATE SPREAD. MMM. PIPER GRABS THEN AND LITERALLY POURS THE PLATE DOWN HER THROAT.  
  
PHOEBE: Hey Cole.  
SIDNEY: I thought you were a dream.  
PHOEBE: He's my dream alright!  
COLE: Huh, you know you don't get any sleep when I'm around.  
PHOEBE: No I don't! Wanna know how?  
SIDNEY: Hey shut the f*ck up you f*cking loser tramp!  
PIPER: You know, I like her!  
SIDNEY: Oh you do, do you? Well f*ck off you sh*t-faced retard!   
PIPER: Hey, nobody, and I mean nobody-  
PRUE: We got what you meant.  
PIPER: Nobody insults Piper.  
SIDNEY: Who's Piper?  
PIPER: ME! Now let me make my self perfectly f*cking clear, Prescott. You don't f*cking well scare me - to me, you're nothing but a dirty, ugly joke. Now look, you stoopid wh*re-faced, scum-sucking, sh*t-eating, c*ck-chewing, donkey-f*cker - I am the queen around here.  
PHOEBE: (aside, to Prue) Half of what she said didn't make sense.  
PRUE: (aside, to Phoebe) I know, but just let her shout at ol Sid.  
SIDNEY: Woa-hoah! Sounds like you got yourself a bit of a problem with the old swearing there! And I thought I was bad!  
COLE: Uh oh.  
  
COLE SHIMMERS OUT. PIPER LOOKS ABSOLUTELY OUTRAGED. WELL WHAT ELSE DID YOU EXPECT? BUT INSTEAD OF EXPLODING LIKE USUAL, SHE JUMPS ON SIDNEY AND BEGINS BEATING THE CRAP OUT OF HER. PRUE AND PHOEBE LOOK MILDLY AMUSED.  
  
PHOEBE: Well, that's different!  
PRUE: She probably ran out of things to say when she did that 'nobody insults Piper' thing.  
  
PRUE AND PHOEBE EXIT, LEAVING PIPER TO IT.  
  
CUT TO:   
  
INT. KITCHEN. PRUE AND PHOEBE WANDER IN AND BEGIN EATING STRAIGHT FROM THE FRIDGE.  
  
PRUE: Hey I want the pie!  
PHOEBE: You got it!  
  
PHOEBE WALKS OVER TO THE CAMERA AND WHISPERS TO US:  
  
PHOEBE: It's rhubarb, apple... and fish pie! I made it myself!  
  
PRUE EATS SOME THEN BEGINS TO CHOKE. PHOEBE LAUGHS AND RUNS AWAY. COLE SHIMMERS IN, SEES PRUE CHOKING, AND LAUGHS.  
  
COLE: Ha ha check you, you're dying! Phoebe! Where are you?  
PHOEBE(OS): Upstairs, honey! How are you? (suggestively) Come and 'fill me in'!  
COLE: (sighs) Could she be any more obvious?  
  
HE RUNS OUT WHERE PHOEBE WENT.  
  
PRUE: Hey where are you going?  
COLE(OS): To have sex, stoopid!  
  
WE HEAR HIM RUNNING UP THE STAIRS, SEVERAL BUMPS SOUND LIKE HE'S 'FALLING OVER HIMSELF WITH EXCITEMENT'.  
  
PRUE: Sex? I've never heard of that before. Sex. Sounds like some form of botany.  
  
LEO ORBS IN.  
  
LEO: Hey Brenda. Have you seen Piper?  
PRUE: Yeah, she's through there fighting Sidney Prescott.  
LEO: No kidding! Sidney Prescott? THE Sidney Prescott?   
PRUE: Yes, yes, star of the Woodsboro etc murders, looks a bit like Piper, cries a lot...  
LEO: See you later, schmuck!  
  
LEO EXITS.  
  
SHANNEN: Did I just get called Brenda? That MAKES ME SO MAD!!!  
  
SHE RUNS ABOUT, TRASHING THE PLACE. IT'S FUNNY COS IT'S HER OWN HOUSE.  
  
SHANNEN: Damn that Neve Campbell... oh, I mean-  
PRUE: Damn that Sidney Prescott!  
SHANNEN: I'm such a great actress.  
PRUE: Shannen Doherty's such a great actress!  
SHANNEN: Yeah I am.  
PRUE: I know you are.  
SHANNEN: So. Prue. What's up?  
PRUE: Well, Shannen, you know, the usual-  
  
CUT TO:  
  
SIDNEY AND PIPER ARE STILL FIGHTING. LEO, COLE AND PHOEBE ARE WATCHING THEM; COLE AND PHOEBE HAVE FLAGS THAT SAY 'GO PIPER' AND LEO HAS ONE THAT SAYS 'GO SID!'.  
  
PIPER: You better watch yourself, Prescott - I'll get my friends on you!  
SIDNEY: Oh please! I watch Charmeded - I know you have no friends.  
PHOEBE: She's right you know.  
PIPER: Huh. But isn't that weird? I mean, we never seem to have any friends over or see anyone, but whenever we have a party, we seem to have lots.  
SIDNEY: Oh yeah - they advertise your parties all over the place. The appeal is the free booze and Phoebe's midnight speciality.  
PHOEBE: My midnight what?  
SIDNEY: You know, where you table dance butt-naked and sleep with anyone who looks at you. Except, without the sleeping.  
COLE: Yeah, Pheebs - how'd you think I met you?  
  
PHOEBE STARTS CRYING AND RUNS AWAY. ALL LAUGH.  
  
PIPER: Sidney, I'm gonna introduced you to someone, and I want you to say one word to show your general feelings.  
SIDNEY: Um, 'kay.  
  
PIPER GRABS PAIGE FROM THE CUPBOARD UNDER THE STAIRS (IF THEY HAVE ONE) AND SHOWS HER TO SIDNEY. PAIGE LOOKS LIKE SHE HAS NO IDEA WHAT'S GOING ON.  
  
PAIGE: I have no idea what's going on.  
PIPER: Here. Now one word to descride your thoughts.  
  
PAUSE.  
  
SIDNEY: Ew.  
  
PRUE ENTERS.  
  
PIPER: Perfect!  
SIDNEY: What's with that pale skin and those bug eyes. And my god is her hair stoopid!  
PRUE: Hey you see what I was talking about!  
PAIGE: Can I go back to cowering in the cupboard again?  
PIPER: Not yet, loser-face.  
PRUE: Did anyone notice that in Charmed, when Paige replaced Prue, she had pretty much the same powers?  
LEO: I think we all did.  
PIPER: It eased the pain. But I still hate her.  
PAIGE: Gah! Halliwell, I'll get you!  
  
PAIGE JUMPS ON PIPER AND STARTS SMASHING HER GOOD.  
  
SIDNEY: Oh no you don't you bug-eyed, pale-skinned, stoopid-haired, lollipop-lookalike idium!  
  
SUDDENLY (THOUGH IT'S NOT VERY SUDDEN, COS WE'VE COME TO EXPECT IT) THERE IS A 'POOF' OF SMOKE AND A DEMON APPEARS.  
  
DEMON: Ha ha! I got you- oh I see, you have company.  
PRUE: Nah no one special.  
SIDNEY: Hey I'm supposed to be your best friend!  
PRUE: Uh... that's not true! My best friend is...  
  
CRICKETS CHIRP AS PRUE SEARCHES THE ROOM FOR SOMEONE TO BE HER BEST FRIEND. PHOEBE ENTERS, REALISES WHAT IS HAPPENING, THEN RUNS AWAY.  
  
PRUE: Astral Prue!  
  
ASTRAL PRUE APPEARS.  
  
ASTRAL PRUE: Hey what's up?  
PRUE: You're my friend aren't you?  
ASTRAL PRUE: Uh...  
  
ASTRAL PRUE ASTRALS OUT.  
  
PRUE: Why that little...  
  
PAUSE.  
  
DEMON: Anyway. I am -  
  
ROLL CREDITS.  
  
VOICE OVER LADY: Oh, how dramatic.  
VOICE OVER GUY: Though I think it's obvious who it was, since he was dressed up as Ghostface from Scream. Ah well, can't blame them for trying I suppose.  
VOICE OVER LADY: Oh, how good was that Scream-At-It-And-It'll-Happen thing? I almost wish it was true...  
VOICE OVER GUY: No previews, it's a two-parter, you idiums.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Wooooh exciting. Um, sure it is. ANYWAY!  
kt 


	6. Two Parter Number Two: Part Two

CHARMEDED 3.6: TWO PARTER NUMBER TWO, PART TWO.  
  
PIPER(VO): Previously on E.R. Oh, I mean, previously on Ally McBe- no. (deep breath) Previously on the X Files... no that's not it. Previously on Buffy The Vam- god sake! What show is this? Oh, okay. Previously on... Charmeded? Hey - we don't normally say 'previously on...' do we - we're just trying to catch up with the other shows, aren't we. Hey, what're you doing with that sleeping gas? But I'm not tired, stay awa-  
  
SOUND FX: A BODY SLUMPING TO THE FLOOR.  
  
PRUE(VO): Idium. Previously on Charmeded...  
  
* * *  
  
INT. MANOR HALL. THE DOORBELL RINGS AGAIN.   
  
PIPER(OS): Alright, alright!  
  
PIPER WALKS INTO VIEW WITH PRUE AND PHOEBE CLOSE BEHIND. SHE OPENS THE DOOR AND IT IS...  
  
PRUE: Sidney!  
SIDNEY: Prue!  
PIPER: What you two know each other?  
PRUE: Oh, uh, I mean, who are you?  
  
SIDNEY WRAPS PRUE IN A HUGE HUG.  
  
* * *  
  
PHOEBE(OS): Upstairs, honey! How are you? (suggestively) Come and 'fill me in'!  
COLE: (sighs) Could she be any more obvious?  
  
HE RUNS OUT WHERE PHOEBE WENT.  
  
PRUE: Hey where are you going?  
COLE(OS): To have sex, stoopid!  
  
* * *  
  
SIDNEY: Hey I'm supposed to be your best friend!  
PRUE: Uh... that's not true! My best friend is...  
  
CRICKETS CHIRP AS PRUE SEARCHES THE ROOM FOR SOMEONE TO BE HER BEST FRIEND. PHOEBE ENTERS, REALISES WHAT IS HAPPENING, THEN RUNS AWAY.  
  
PRUE: Astral Prue!  
  
ASTRAL PRUE APPEARS.  
  
ASTRAL PRUE: Hey what's up?  
PRUE: You're my friend aren't you?  
ASTRAL PRUE: Uh...  
  
ASTRAL PRUE ASTRALS OUT.  
  
PRUE: Why that little...  
  
PAUSE.  
  
DEMON: Anyway. I am -  
  
ROLL CREDITS.  
  
WE RESUME FROM THE LAST SCENE, CONTINUING FROM WHERE THE DEMON WAS REVEALING HIS IDENTITY.  
  
DEMON: I am...  
PIPER: Oh puh-lease! We can tell you're that dood from those Screamded movies from your costoom!  
DEMON: Oh. Well... my name is Ghostface. Call me Ghost for ease of KT having to write my name a lot.  
KT(OS): Cheers, Ghosty.  
GHOST: Not GhostY, just Ghost. One syllable.  
PHOEBE: How come the word syllable has so many syllables?  
  
PAUSE.  
  
PIPER: Okay, she's starting to freak me out.  
PRUE: Ghosty, would you do the honours?  
  
GHOSTY SMACKS PHOEBE OVER THE HEAD WITH THE BUTT OF HIS KNIFE. SHE FALLS TO THE FLOOR, UNCONSCIOUS.  
  
PRUE: I actually meant stab her.  
GHOST: Oh well. Now. There's something I'm supposed to do.  
  
SFX: A TICKING CLOCK AS GHOSTY RUBS HIS CHIN IN CONCENTRATION.  
  
GHOST: Oh, now I remember - kill you!  
  
COLE AND LEO SHIMMER AND ORB OUT (IF THEY WERE THERE, WHICH I CAN'T REMEMBER). SIDNEY RUNS UP THE STAIRS (SHE NEVER LEARNS!), PIPER HEADS INTO THE KITCHEN, AND PRUE RUNS INTO THE LIVING ROOM. PHOEBE REMAINS SLUMPED ON THE FLOOR, SINCE SHE'S UNCONSCIOUS AND ALL.   
  
GHOST: Oh, times like this when I wish there were three of me.  
  
SUDDENLY HE ASTRAL PROJECTS INTO THREE GHOSTIES.  
  
GHOST1: Cool!  
  
ALL RUN AFTER DIFFERENT PEOPLE.  
  
CUT TO:   
  
LIVING ROOM. PRUE IS SITTING ON THE COUCH WATCHING TV WITH A SHANDY WHICH SHE IS SIPPING. GHOSTFACE ENTERS.  
  
GHOST3: Nyyahhhh!  
PRUE: Oh. You're still at that malarky, are you? Here - have a drink and come watch Family Affairs with me. It'll be like the old days!  
GHOST3: Oh, those were good days. Alright then.  
  
HE GRABS A PINT AND SITS BESIDE HER.  
  
PRUE: This is nice.  
GHOST3: Yeah...  
  
HE PUTS HIS ARM AROUND HER AND THEY CUDDLE UP. YECH!  
  
CUT TO:  
  
KITCHEN. PIPER IS HIDING UNDER THE TABLE. GHOSTFACE 2 ENTERS, AND WALKS REEEEALLY SLOWLY ABOUT. PIPER'S POV (POINT OF VIEW) BIG BOOTS ARE SLOWLY STALKING AROUND THE TABLE. SHE IS TERRIFIED. SHE SCREAMS AS HIS MASKED FACE COMES INTO VIEW.  
  
GHOST2: Oh there you are! I was looking for you.  
  
HE HOLDS HIS KNIFE AT HER FACE.  
  
PIPER: Please! Don't kill me!  
GHOST2: I wasn't gonna! Sheesh! I was just giving you this knife so you could make me a sandwich.  
PIPER: Oh. Okay! It'll be just like old times!  
  
SHE CLAMBERS OUT FROM UNDER THE TABLE AND BEGINS MAKING HIM A SANDWICH.  
  
PIPER: This is nice.  
GHOST2: Yeah.  
  
GHOSTFACE 2 PUTS HIS ARM AROUND PIPER AND THE SNUGGLE. YECH.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
HALL. PHOEBE IS STILL UNCONSCIOUS.  
  
CUT TO:   
  
PIPER'S BEDROOM. SIDNEY IS HIDING BEHIND THE CURTAIN. GHOSTFACE ENTERS.   
  
GHOST: I can see you, you know.  
SIDNEY: Where am I then?  
GHOST: Behind the bed.  
SIDNEY: Uhh, no I'm not.  
GHOST: Oh. In that case...  
  
HE PULLS ASIDE THE CURTAIN AND FINDS SIDNEY. HE RAISES HIS KNIFE. WE SEE IT STAB DOWN, TIME AND TIME AGAIN, ALONG WITH SIDNEY'S TERRIFIED SCREAMS.  
  
FADE TO: BLACK.  
  
FADE IN.   
  
PIPER'S ROOM - CONTINUOUS. SIDNEY IS STILL CROUCHED AGAINST THE WALL. HER EYES LIE UNBLINKING ON THE LIMP FORM OF GHOSTFACE, DEAD ON THE FLOOR. PRUE, PIPER AND PHOEBE RUSH IN.  
  
PRUE: What happened? I was making out with Ghostface and he suddenly disappeared?  
PIPER: No I was making out with Ghostface!  
PHOEBE: Well, at least you were making out with someone, not unconscious on the floor!  
SIDNEY: I think he astral-projected, like you can Prue.  
PRUE: I, uh, don't know what you're talking about.  
SIDNEY: Oh, right, I must be thinking of the OTHER Charmeded Ones.  
PRUE: Alright, alright! Sheesh. No need to get sarky.  
PIPER: Anyhoo. So what happened.  
SIDNEY: Well, he had me cornered, was about to stab me, then pulled a Linda Blair Exorcist thingy and started stabbing himself in his... you know.   
PHOEBE: Ew...  
  
SINDEY GETS UP, PULLS A GUN OUT FROM HER... HAIR, AND SHOOTS GHOSTFACE BETWEEN THE EYES.  
  
PRUE: Aren't you supposed to find out who he is, wait for him to come alive THEN shoot him?  
SIDNEY: Oh yeah.  
  
SHE PULLS THE MASK OFF. IT'S... IT'S... IT'S...  
  
ALL: Paige???  
PAIGE: And I woulda gotten away with it if it hadn't been for you stinky kids!  
  
PAIGE UPS AND JUMPS OUT THE WINDOW.   
  
PHOEBE: Weird. I could swear I saw a bullet hole between her eyes.   
PIPER: Nah I think that's natural.  
PRUE: Yeah like those googly bug-eyes and that dent in her chin.  
SIDNEY: Well... I don't like you anymore. I'm outta here!  
  
SIDNEY JUMPS OUT THE WINDOW. BEAT.  
  
PIPER: Maybe I should shut my window every once in a while.  
PRUE: Maybe, maybe jumping out of windows is a lots of fun!  
  
PRUE JUMPS OUT THE WINDOW.  
  
PIPER: Off you go, Phoebe.  
PHOEBE: Um, not in this life.  
PIPER: Phoebe, you know how 'lanky' rhymes with 'blankie'?  
PHOEBE: Oh, I found my blankie ages ago. It wasn't exactly hard to find.  
  
PHOEBE SHOWS PIPER THE BLANKIE. PIPER'S JAW DROPS.  
  
PIPER: But I locked it in a box buried in the dust locked under the trapdoor under my seven-hundred pound bed.   
PHOEBE: Exactly. Piper, you really gotta find a new secret hiding place.  
  
PIPER GRABS THE BLANKIE.  
  
PHOEBE: Dammit!  
PIPER: Ha. You lose, lose face. Now jump!  
  
PHOEBE JUMPS OUT THE WINDOW. PAUSE. PIPER IS OBVIOUSLY BORED. SHE SIGHES, TAKES A DEEP BREATH THEN FOLLOWS PHOEBE OUT THE WINDOW.  
  
ROLL CREDITS.  
  
VOICE OVER GUY: Next time on that Charmeded Show:  
  
* * *  
  
PHOEBE: I'm in a film! I'm in a film!  
LEO: Yeah? What?  
PHOEBE: Well, I play a bitch in a straight-to-video sequal amimation! Lady and the Tramp 2! And I don't even sing my own songs!  
  
ALL LAUGH AT PHOEBE.  
  
* * *  
  
THE CHARMEDED ONES ARE IN THE ATTIC. ANGEL JUMPS THROUGH THE WINDOW.  
  
ANGEL: Whoops, wrong set.  
  
HE JUMPS OUT AGAIN. THE CHARMEDED ONES NEVER LOOKED MORE PISSED OFF.  
  
PRUE: Gah! HOW overdone is that joke?!?  
KT(OS): Well sorree!  
  
* * *  
  
VOICE OVER WOMAN: Yeah. That's next time, smelly faces. See ya!  
  
  
  
  
  
(deep breath) Guys, the time is almost upon us. Next time is the 2nd last ep of series three... we might find out that some things are going to change forever. 


	7. Almost There Kids

CHARMEDED 3.7: ALMOST THERE KIDS.  
  
BLACK.  
  
PRUE(VO): Last night, I was sitting sipping my eighth drink, and it came to me. What is real love? I grew up believing that one day I would meet my soulmate and live happily ever after. And what happened? He died. Andy.  
  
CUT TO:   
  
CLIP OF ANDY (DO YOU GUYS REALISE THIS IS THE FIRST TIME ANDY'S EVER BEEN IN CHARMEDED?) DOING... SOMETHING.  
  
PRUE(VO): Yeah, that's him. He laid his life out as a protection for my sisters and me. And for what?   
PIPER(VO): I hate to butt in on your big voice over monologue Prue, but everyone has their hard luck story to tell! God! How many times do we have to hear you go on and on and on about your stoopid dead boyfriend who didn't even like you that much!  
PRUE(VO): Piper go away!  
PIPER(VO): Make me!  
  
SOUNDS OF A FIGHT. SOMEONE SLUMPS TO THE FLOOR.  
  
PRUE(VO): That'll teach that idium. Anyway. So Andy died, for me. And now I discover it's completely pointless. If the last series of Charmed and the script I have in my hand right now are anything to go by, I'm not gonna last long enough to find another love. That's right kids, I'm getting killed off.   
  
WE HEAR PRUE SIGH AND THE ANDY MONTAGE FADES TO BLACK, THEN FADES IN ON PRUE.  
  
PRUE: So much for APPP, huh? I thought KT believed in me, in this, but...  
  
SHE LEAFS THROUGH THE SCRIPT.  
  
PRUE: Obviously I was wrong. I'm sorry - I realise I'm maybe just being stupid here, but you have no idea what it's like to know you're going to die. Just think - I'm gonna have to apologise and make amends with my sisters for all the mean things I did to them. And should I tell them? I mean, I know I'm the only one in the cast who ever actually gives the script a glance over. And look at this. I'll read it out. "PHOEBE: I can't believe Prue's dead! SFX - DOORBELL. PAIGE is at the door. PAIGE: Hi I'm Paige. PIPER: Welcome home Paige." Makes me sick.  
  
PRUE LOOKS UP WITH TEARS IN HER EYES.  
  
PRUE: So I guess in consolation KT has decided to give this episode, my second last Charmeded ever, to me. My final episode is entitled "Say It Ain't Prue!" Sorry - is that a preview? Oh - did I just spoil the series finale for you? (mock sorry-ness) I'm terribly sorry. Oh wait, no I'm not! I just found out I was gonna die! Gahhh!  
  
SHE RUNS TOWARDS THE CAMERA IN A VERY THREATENING, MENACING, RIP-YER-EYES-OUT-WITH-A-TWO-PRONGED-FORK KINDA WAY. ROLL CREDITS! ROLL CREDITS!!!  
  
INT. KITCHEN. PRUE IS SITTING AT THE TABLE, MOPING ABOUT. PHOEBE ENTERS.  
  
PHOEBE: Hey Prue! Happy Deathday!  
SHANNEN: Shut up, idium. It's NEXT time I'm getting axed, not this week.  
ALYSSA: So... why, exactly are you getting chucked?  
SHANNEN: Because apparently you hate me as well as me hating you.  
ALYSSA: (sincere) Really?  
SHANNEN: Looks like, according to this online magazine.  
  
SHANNEN GETS THE LAPTOP AND CLICKS ONTO THE E! HOMEPAGE. SHE FOLLOWS VARIOUS SHANNEN DOHERTY LINKS, SUCH AS 'DOHERTY IN DYSENTERY DISASTER' AND 'STOOPID SHANNEN SLOSHED AGAIN!'  
  
SHANNEN: See?   
  
SHE BEGINS TO READ.  
  
SHANNEN: News from the Charmeded camp is that it's deja vu all over again as on-set catfights between Shannen Doherty and the adorable Alyssa Milan-  
  
ALYSSA GIGGLES.  
  
ALYSSA: I AM adorable, aren't I?  
  
PIPER ENTERS.  
  
PIPER: Hey, sisters! I love you!  
SHANNEN: Quit the act, Combs.  
HOLLY: God DAMMIT! You guys ALWAYS ruin the scene! Am I the only one who takes things seriously around here?  
  
SHANNEN AND ALYSSA LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND BURST OUT LAUGHING. THEY HUG.   
  
SHANNEN: You know what Alyssa?  
ALYSSA: What?  
SHANNEN: Sometimes I think you're okay!  
ALYSSA: Aw, that's so sweet!  
HOLLY: Yeah, yeah, whatever. The SCENE.  
ALYSSA: I think you can be quite okay sometimes too!  
HOLLY: God damn you guys! The scene! The f*cking scene is what you two dinguses are ruining to sh*t!  
SHANNEN: Okay, okay! Jeez...  
ALYSSA: Yeah, and E! says WE'RE the ones who fight a lot. Look at her!  
PRUE: Hi Phoebe, Piper, good morning.  
ALYSSA: Hey I'm not ready yet.  
  
SHE COMPOSES HERSELF.  
  
PHOEBE: Morning Prue. What's up? By the way I had a premonition and you're gonna die.  
  
PHOEBE AND PIPER HIGH FIVE. PRUE LOOKS DISGUSTED/SHOCKED TO TEARS AT THIS ACTION. PHOEBE AND PIPER SEE THIS.  
  
PIPER: Oh... uh, that was a high five of despair.  
PHOEBE: Yeah, absolutely, high five of... um, what she said.  
PRUE: That's nice. But you don't have to lie to me.  
PIPER: Okay.  
  
LEO ORBS IN.  
  
PIPER: From now on, there's only honesty in this house, and no blame.  
LEO: Honesty? Wahoo! I love Prue!  
  
HE GRABS PRUE AND ORBS OUT. PAUSE.  
  
PHOEBE: Oh...kay.  
PIPER: Prick.  
  
CUT TO:   
  
HELL. COLE IS SITTING IN HIS BIG CHAIR OF FIRE WATCHING PORN.  
  
COLE: I think we all like porn. Yeah this is the-  
  
SUDDENLY LEO AND PRUE ORB IN, AND START MAKING OUT.  
  
COLE: Um. Okay. Will you guys move out the way? I'm trying to watch the TV.  
  
THEY DON'T MOVE.  
  
COLE: Alright, well at least let me join in.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
EXT. MANOR. PIPER AND PHOEBE ARE GETTING INTO THEIR JEEP WHICH IS TALLER THAN THEM.  
  
PIPER: God damn! Just wait till I get my hands on that Prue!  
PHOEBE: Hey what's brown and sticky?  
  
PIPER STARES AT HER.  
  
PHOEBE: Sorry.  
  
THEY GET IN AND DRIVE OFF.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
EXT. PAIGE'S WORK OFFICE TYPE THING. PIPER AND PHOEBE IN PIPER'S BIG RAJ JEEP PULL UP OUTSIDE. PIPER GETS UP AND STORMS INTO THE BUILDING, PHOEBE FOLLOWING MEEKLY.  
  
PHOEBE: Piper! Where are we going? What is this place?  
  
THEY GO IN.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
INT. PAIGE'S OFFICE. PAIGE IS AT WORK, WELL, FOR HER IT'S WORK. FOR OTHER PEOPLE, IT'S SITTING ABOUT ALL DAY LOOKING STOOPID SUCKING LOLLIPOPS AND LOOKING STOOPID. SUDDENLY PIPER ENTERS WITH PHOEBE, RUSHES UP TO PAIGE, GRABS HER BY THE THROAT AND PULLS HER CLOSE.  
  
PHOEBE: What are we doing HERE?  
PIPER: (to paige) Look here, Missy-  
PHOEBE: Look out Piper! You're touching that disease-fest!  
PIPER: You were gonna have to wait till Prue died before coming into our lives-  
PHOEBE: Piper? You're still touching it.  
PIPER: But I've had enough of her. You're coming with me now.  
PHOEBE: Piper?  
PIPER: (to phoebe) SHUT UP!!!  
  
PHOEBE LOOKS TERRIFIED. AND RIGHTLY SO!   
  
PIPER: (to paige) I don't care what sort of life you have at the moment. You're coming to be a Charmeded One even if I have to drag you kicking and screaming.  
  
SHE REALISES PAIGE IS ALMOST HALF-DEAD FROM THE STRANGLING. SHE THROWS HER AWAY. PAIGE BEGINS TO COUGH.  
  
PIPER: You will be Charmeded, you will have pretty much the same but a tiny bit better powers than Prue - they'll be a tiny bit better just to spite that b*tch. You will become Phoebe. I will become a new, angrier Prue. And Phoebe, you will become me, and see how sucky it is!  
PAIGE: But I thought you hated me! I mean, a few years ago you locked me in your basement for over a year. Then kept me in a cupboard and made Neve Campbell call me gross and stuff. What if I don't wanna?  
  
PIPER BLOWS UP HER COMPUTER.  
  
PIPER: Call that a lucky miss for you, Paigeboy. You're one of us now.  
PHOEBE: But there can't be four Charmeded Ones, Piper.  
PIPER: I know, I'm getting to that. You, Paigerific, are going to do something.  
PAIGE: ...what? What are you gonna do to me?  
PIPER: We're not gonna do anything to you, you're gonna do something to someone else.  
PHOEBE: Piper, what the feck are you on about?  
PIPER: Feck? That's cute.  
PHOEBE: Thanks! Oh... you were being sarcastic, weren't you?  
PIPER: Uh huh. Let's go.  
  
SHE GRABS PAIGE BY THE STOOPID EAR AND BEGINS TO DRAG HER OUT. PAIGE RESISTS.  
  
PAIGE: Woah, woah, woah!  
  
PIPER LETS GO.  
  
PIPER: What?  
PAIGE: Give me a good reason why I should come with you?  
PIPER: Um, cos if you don't I'll make you. Or kill you. Yeah, I'll just kill you. Phoebe, one blow-up-a-thon coming up. Get your umbrella out, this ain't gonna be pretty.  
  
PIPER FLICKS HER FINGERS AND BAM! SHE USES HER POWERS. PAUSE.  
  
PIPER: Dammit!  
  
PAIGE IS STILL STANDING THERE, BUT EVERYONE ELSE IS FROZEN.  
  
PAIGE: What the hell...?  
PIPER: Come on.   
PAIGE: Wait! God damn you wait!   
  
PIPER SIGHS AND TURNS TO PAIGE.   
  
PAIGE: I wanna know what you're gonna make me do.  
  
PHOEBE TUGS ON PIPER'S SLEEVE.  
  
PHOEBE: Piper! I'm thirsteeeee...  
PIPER: Shut up, Phoebe, or I'll kill YOU! Paige, in order for you to become one of us, and like Phoebe said, there can only be three Charmeded Ones, god knows why, it only makes it stoopid and more complicated for us, anyhoo, that means someone has to die. Since that b*tch Prue just stole my husband, I vote her.   
PHOEBE: Piper!  
PIPER: What? She's gotta die anyway! So what if Paige kills her instead of Shax!  
PAIGE: Wait! Hold it... right there... you're saying you want me to...  
  
DRAMATIC PAUSE...  
  
PAIGE: You want me to kill... your sister?  
  
ANOTHER DRAMTIC PAUSE.  
  
PIPER: Yes, I want you to kill Prue.  
  
YET ANOTHER DRAMATIC PAUSE...  
  
ROLL CREDITS.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
*sighs* Times like this when I wish Prue hadn't died.  
What will happen next? Will Paige kill Prue? Will Shax? Will Piper stop being a bitch in Charmeded and Charmed (I'm on ep 4 and she's nastyyyyy!)  
Find out next time etc etc...  
kt  
  
  
  
  
  
  
*YOUR AD HERE*  
*HERE'S MY AD*  
  
  
  
* * *  
  
  
...dark clouds cover the horizon... a whisper of music trembles through the air... wind carries it over the land... silent breathing imagines a song, slow but powerful, getting stronger, stronger, ever stronger... it's coming... it's coming... it's coming...  
  
  
* * *  
  
  
  
Ooh! Wonder what THAT was an advert for...   
  
CUE: Cryptic music and stuff. 


	8. Say It Ain't Prue!

CHARMEDED 3.8: SAY IT AIN'T PRUE.  
  
  
INT. F*CK-OFF PINK MANSION - PRUE'S BEDROOM. SHE AND LEO ARE LYING SIDE BY SIDE ON, NOT IN, THE BED. FULLY CLOTHED, IN CASE YOU WERE WONDERING/FEELING SICK. OKAY - LEO'S IN HIS BOXERS HEH HEH HEH. ANYHOO. LET'S GET ONTO THE... ACTION?  
  
PRUE: Leo. I never knew-  
LEO: Shh. Don't talk.   
  
HE TURNS TO THE CAMERA AND WHISPERS.  
  
LEO: That way I can pretend you're somebody else.  
PRUE: I heard that.  
LEO: I'm just kidding.  
  
HE BEGINS TO KISS HER.  
  
FADE TO: BLACK.  
  
FADE IN:  
  
SAME. BUT THIS TIME THEY ARE *IN* THE BED. AND NAKED. GYYEAH!  
  
PRUE: That. Was amazing.  
LEO: Yeah.  
PRUE: Now I see why Piper married you.  
LEO: (laughing) Why? Does she not actually love me?  
  
PAUSE. HE STOPS LAUGHING.  
  
LEO: Oh.  
  
PAUSE.  
  
PRUE: So you think Piper'll be mad?  
LEO: I dunno.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
INT. P3. PIPER, PHOEBE AND PAIGE ARE AT THE BAR. THEY ARE THE ONLY PEOPLE THERE.  
  
PIPER: Okay. So Paige you got the plan right?  
PAIGE: I still don't think killing Prue is a great idea.  
PIPER: What? Now you're saying I'm stoopid! Why you little...  
  
PAUSE.  
  
PHOEBE: STILL have to hear what the second half of that sentence sounds like.  
PIPER: Shut up, idium.  
PAIGE: I mean, since I don't have a life, I guess I'd think it would be pretty cool to become a Halliwell, but, you know... killing someone...  
PIPER: Paige, Paige, Paige. There's always time for a cover-up if that's what you're worried about.  
PAIGE: I know, but are you even sure this is what you want?  
PIPER: Paige, honey, just cos I'm in a blind rage it doesn't mean I'm not thinking clearly. Hey Phoebe should we paint the manor pink?  
PHOEBE: Um, sure you're not thinking clearly. It's already pink.  
PIPER: Oh...kay. Sure it is.  
  
SHE DOES THAT ACTION WHERE YOU TWIDDLE YOUR FINGER ROUND IN CIRCLES AT YOUR EARS WHICH MEANS SOMEBODY IS CRAZY.   
  
PHOEBE: Sometimes I dislike you more than I dislike Paige.  
PAIGE: Now THAT'S a lie.  
  
SABRINA THE TEENAGE WITCH WALKS IN.  
  
PIPER: Get out!  
SABRINA: Hi.  
PHOEBE: Hey look it's Sabrina.  
SABRINA: You forgot the thing about me being a teenage witch.  
PAIGE: Aren't you like twenty-five or something?  
  
PAUSE.  
  
SABRINA: Maybe.  
  
SHE RUNS OUT.  
  
PAIGE: Well that was random. Hey - I just realised I haven't screwed anything up for a while. What is there for me to bugger up. I know! Does anybody want a drink?  
PIPER: I do. Just don't f*ck it up.  
  
PAIGE GOES BEHIND THE BAR.  
  
PAIGE: Alrighy then. Let's see.  
  
SHE EXAMINES THE BOTTLES OF ALCOMAHOL. SHE PICKS OUT TWO. ONE IS CALLED "EXPLOSIVE SHANDY - DO NOT MIX" AND THE SECOND IS CALLED "DRINK THIS IF YOU WANNA DIE".  
  
PAIGE: These ones look good!  
  
SHE POURS THEM SIMULTANOUSLY INTO A MIXER. THERE IS A SMALL PUFF OF SMOKE.  
  
PAIGE: THAT was the explosion?   
  
SHE HANDS OUT THE DRINKS. PIPER AND PHOEBE TAKE A SIP. THEY WAIT.  
  
PIPER: Wow that tastes great!  
PAIGE: Woah woah woah what's going on? Why aren't you exploding or dying?  
PHOEBE: Guess you didn't screw it up this time. Well done!  
PAIGE: Aw man!  
  
PAIGE WANDERS AWAY MUTTERING TO HERSELF.  
  
PAIGE: I gotta screw something up sometime!  
PIPER: Alright Paige. The hour is upon us. We're gonna go home and kill Prue.  
PHOEBE: Did you have to say that so loud?  
  
PHOEBE INDICATES A GROUP OF PEOPLE WHO HAVE JUST RANDOMLY APPEARED AND ARE NOW STARING AT PIPER. PIPER BLOWS THEM UP.   
  
PIPER: Let's go.  
PAIGE: Ooh! I'll drive!  
  
CUT TO:  
  
EXT. F*CK-OFF PINK MANSION - NIGHT. THEIR JEEP WHICH IS BIGGER THAN THEM SCREECHES INTO THE DRIVEWAY. PAIGE, PIPER AND PEEHEE GET OUT.  
  
PHOEBE: Wow, Paige, you tried to crash the car forty-seven times along the ten blocks between our house and your office.  
PAIGE: And failed every time! Why can't I screw stuff up anymore?  
PIPER: That's a good thing you idium!  
PAIGE: Not when there's an audience out there who need to see me being stupid and being here just for comical effect.  
PHOEBE: I remember when that retard was me...  
PIPER: I remember when I used to be funny and not a b*tch...  
BOTH: I remember when Prue wasn't dead...  
PAIGE: But she isn't dead.  
PIPER: Oh. Phoebe did we skip ahead a series? Is it not next year that I become a b*tch?  
PHOEBE: You're right. Should we even know Paige right now?  
PAIGE: That's what I've been trying to tell you! I don't come in till next year!  
PIPER: Oh well, nothing we can do about it now. Paige, go get Prue.   
PAIGE: Okay.  
  
THEY ENTER THE HOUSE.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
INT. FIERY PITS OF HELL. COLE IS BORED.  
  
COLE: Can't believe Prue and Leo bumped me. And why am I even on camera just now? This scene is a filler, isn't it?  
KT(OS): Um... sorry Cole.  
COLE: God damn!  
  
CUT TO:  
  
INT. F*CK-OFF PINK MANSION. THE TWO EXSISTING CHARMEDED ONES AND THE ONE SOON-TO-BE CHARMEDED ONE STUMBLE IN. THEY ARE SOAKING WET.  
  
PAIGE: Oh, I guess I screwed that up, eh?  
PIPER: You kidding? Phoebe hasn't showered in weeks! You did us a favour!  
  
PAIGE LOOKS INCREDIBLY PISSED OFF.  
  
PAIGE: Why the hell am I getting everything right? This is pissing me off so bad! I wanna kill someone!  
PIPER: Well, Prue's upstairs probably.  
PAIGE: Lemme at im!  
PHOEBE: Im? Lemme at im? Learn to speak stoopidhead.  
  
PAIGE DASHES UPSTAIRS, FOLLOWED BY PIPER AND PHOEBE.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
PRUE'S BEDROOM. PRUE IN ON HER BED, FULLY CLOTHED AGAIN. LEO IS STANDING BUTTONING UP HIS SHIRT. THEY CAN'T STOP GRINNING.  
  
LEO: You know I truely do love you.  
PRUE: What did the pillow say to the lampshade?  
LEO: I love you so much I don't even mind those dumb jokes!  
PRUE: Did you hear the one about the magical tractor?  
LEO: Yes-  
PRUE: It got to the bottom of the road and turned into a field!  
  
DRUM ROLL.  
  
LEO: Though I wish that drum wouldn't go off all the time. Anyway. You rock. And I...  
PRUE: What? What is it?  
LEO: I'm being called. Wait here, I'll be back.  
  
HE ORBS OUT. PRUE LAZES ABOUT ON HER BAD AND CLOSES HER EYES. SUDDENLY THE DOOR OPENS AND PAIGE CRASHES IN.  
  
PAIGE: Alright! I've had enough of your shenanigans! You're toast!  
PRUE: Paige? What the-  
PAIGE: Lamp!  
  
SHE TKORBS A LAMP INTO PRUE.  
  
PRUE: Ow! Cut that out - what are you playing at?  
  
PAIGE: Lamp lamp lamp lamp lamp lamp lamp lamp lamp lamp lamp lamp lamp lamp lamp lamp!  
  
HUNDREDS OF LAMPS CRASH INTO PRUE.  
  
PRUE: Oh, I think I'm hurt...  
PAIGE: Now to finish you off!  
  
PIPER AND PHOEBE APPEAR IN THE DOORWAY. PAIGE BEGINS TO WALK TOWARDS PRUE IN A VERY THREATENING MANNER.  
  
PRUE: Paige, think about this, you don't wanna kill me!  
PAIGE: You've taken your last breath!  
  
PAIGE IS ALMOST AT PRUE'S SIDE. SHE OUTSTRETCHES HER HANDS AND... TRIPS OVER, FALLING TO THE GROUND, CRACKING HER HEAD ON PRUE'S BED AND FLOPPING TO THE FLOOR, UNCONSCIOUS. SILENCE. PIPER AND PHOEBE SLOWLY ENTER THE ROOM.  
  
PIPER: She tried so hard all day to screw up, then when it mattered the most that she didn't screw up, look what happened.  
PHOEBE: How ironic life can be.  
PIPER: Paige, why couldn't you just get it right for once?  
PHOEBE: Maybe Paige just fails at what she sets out to do. When she tries to screw up she fails, when she tries to get it right she fails.  
PRUE: Wait - what're you saying? You wanted Paige to kill me?  
PIPER: Hello? Husband stealer?   
PHOEBE: Hello? We hate you.  
  
PRUE STARES AT THEM WITH ICKLE PUPPY DOG EYES. WE WATCH PIPER STILL HAVING THE HARD LOOK IN HER EYES, BUT AS SHE LOOKS AT PRUE, HER EXPRESSION DISAPPEARS AND HER FACE CRUMPLES.  
  
PIPER: Oh, I fold. I can't stay mad at someone as great as you!  
PHOEBE: You can't?  
PIPER: No, and neither can you. Now let's go downstairs and have a cup of cocoa-milk.  
ALL: Hoorah!  
  
THEY BEGIN TO EXIT, BUT SUDDENLY SHAX WHIRLWINDS IN, AND DOES THAT HEAD-TWISTY-RETARD THING HE DOES. HE LOOKS AT THEM ALL, THEN HIS EYES FIX ON PRUE. HE THROWS AN ENERGY BALL AT PRUE, WHO IS KNOCKED OFF THE BED AND INTO HER CUPBOARD. SHE SLUMPS TO THE FLOOR. PIPER AND PHOEBE LOOK TERRIFIED. THEY TURN TO LOOK AT SHAX, WHO STARES BACK, THEN WHIRLWINDS AWAY. THEY WHIP ROUND AND RUN TO PRUE'S SIDE. SLOW MOTION. CUE - THAT DEATH SCENE MUSIC. PRUE HAS BLOOD COMING FROM HER MOUTH AND NOSE. SHE DOESN'T MOVE. PIPER AND PHOEBE ARE IN FLOODS OF TEARS. GOES BACK INTO NORMAL SPEED.  
  
PIPER: Wake up Prue! Prue!  
  
PIPER GATHERS PRUE'S BODY IN HER ARMS, CRYING HER PRUE-LOVING LITTLE EYES OUT.   
  
PHOEBE: Don't leave us! I don't wanna be the middle sister!  
PIPER: Prue. Prue! Prue come back.  
  
SHE STARTS TO SHAKE PRUE.  
  
PIPER: Prue!  
  
ROLL CREDITS. 


	9. *Pause* I can't do it! This is too much!...

Guys, if you really love Prue, I'm warning you now to not watch this ep. In the cliffhanger of the last ep, there's always a chance she's *sniff* still alive but this ep *sniff* I... I CAN'T GO ON! ROLL THE TAPE!  
  
  
  
  
CHARMEDED 3.9: FINISHING OFF AND SETTING THE SCENE.  
  
INT. PRUE'S ROOM - CONTINUOUS. PAIGE IS LYING UNCONSCIOUS ON THE FLOOR. PIPER IS HOLDING PRUE, WHO IS LIMP IN HER ARMS. PHOEBE AND PIPER ARE CRYING LIKE HELL. PIPER LAYS PRUE ON THE FLOOR AND PHOEBE TAKES HER PULSE.   
  
PHOEBE: She's still alive!  
  
PIPER TAKES HER PULSE.  
  
PIPER: No she's not. You just can't take pulses.  
PHOEBE: Oh yeah.  
PIPER: Wait - that means she's... she's... dead...  
PHOEBE: Dead?  
PIPER: Prue! Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!  
  
WE GO BACK INTO SLOW MOTION AS WE SEE PIPER AND PHOEBE CRY THEIR LITTLE EYES OUT AND SCREAM IN DESPAIR AND STUFF. THE SAD DEATH SCENE MUSIC SWELLS AND...  
  
FADE TO:  
  
BLACK.  
  
FADE IN:  
  
INT. LIVING ROOM. PIPER, PHOEBE, COLE AND LEO ARE SITTING IN SILENCE. LONG PAUSE.  
  
PHOEBE: Can't believe Prue's been dead for a month.  
PIPER: Well if that wasn't a line to tell the audience what's been happening, I don't know what is.  
LEO: It may have been a month, but has anyone wondered what we're going to do without three Charmeded Ones?  
  
THE DOORBELL RINGS.  
  
PIPER: (obviously) Oh I wonder who THAT could be?  
  
PHOEBE GOES TO ANSWER THE DOOR. IT'S PAIGE.  
  
PAIGE: Hi. I'm Paige.  
  
PHOEBE PULLS PAIGE INTO THE HOUSE.  
  
PHOEBE: I'm Phoebe. This is Piper.  
PIPER: We know who each other are, idiums.  
PHOEBE: Sounds like the beginning of a beautiful friendship.  
LEO: I just remembered Prue's gone!  
  
ALL START CRYING.  
  
PHOEBE: I didn't even get to say goodbye!  
PIPER: Take Paige instead! Please!  
  
FADE TO:  
  
BLACK.  
  
VOICE OVER DOOD: I can't believe Prue's... waaaaaaaaaa  
VOICE OVER LADY: However, KT seems to have something up her sleeve for the follow up to this. VOICE OVER DOOD: What you mean series four?  
VOICE OVER LADY: God no it's not series four. But it is something alright. Keep watching KTV to see the ad.  
  
  
*MY AD HERE*  
  
* *   
  
PIPER: I can't believe I'm all alone!  
PAIGE: No need to make a song and dance about it!  
PIPER: Or is there...?  
  
* *   
  
PHOEBE AND LEO ARE WATCHING BUFFY THE MUSICAL.   
  
PHOEBE: Huh. Imagine OUR lives were a musical.  
LEO: Yeah. Imagine.  
  
THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER KNOWINGLY.  
  
* *   
  
*MY AD HERE*  
  
* *  
  
BLACK SCREEN. WRITING COME UP. IT SAYS "EVEN MORE MAGIC"   
  
CUT TO:  
  
PAIGE: Hey look I made myself 423 pounds!  
  
BLACK SCREEN. WRITING COMES UP. IT SAYS "EVEN MORE WITCHINESS"  
  
CUT TO:  
  
PIPER: I'm a witch!  
RANDOM GUY: What? You're a bitch?  
PIPER: No, I'm a witch!  
RANDOM: No, you're a bitch.  
  
BLACK SCREEN. WRITING COMES UP. IT SAYS "EVEN MORE POWERFUL"  
  
CUT TO:  
  
THE THREE NEW CHARMEDED ONES CLINKING LITTLE POTION BOTTLES TOGETHER.  
  
PHOEBE: Man we're good.  
PIPER: Sure we are. Except one thing. Prue's not here, you retard!  
  
BLACK SCREEN. WRITING COMES UP. IT SAYS "CHARMEDED SERIES FOUR"  
  
CUT TO:  
  
PHOEBE: If the world doesn't start showing me some respect, I'm gonna stop saving it every week.  
PIPER: You don't save it every week. You try to.  
PAIGE: Failure.  
ALL: Shut up, Paigeboy!  
  
BLACK SCREEN. WRITING COMES UP. IT SAYS "EVEN MORE STOOPID WORDS"  
  
CUT TO:  
  
PIPER: Idium.  
PHOEBE: Serendipity?  
LEO: Clout!   
COLE: Nnnnnnubbin.  
PAIGE: Paigeriffic!  
  
ALL STARE AT PAIGE.  
  
BLACK SCREEN. WRITING COMES UP. IT SAYS "ALL THIS AND MORE, BUT FIRST, KT'S SECRET WEAPON. COMING TO A SCREEN NEAR YOU, THE AMAZINGNESS THAT IS KT COMES TOGETHER IN THIS SEASON THREE TO SEASON FOUR TRANSACTION. IT'S COMING. SOON, SOON. SOME THINGS WILL CHANGE FOREVER. SOME ALREADY HAVE. THIS SCREEN IS FULL OF WRITING NOW."   
  
  
  
  
  
THE END.  
  
FOR NOW...  
  
  
  
  
  
It's still coming kids... on the horizon, it's tumbling towards us, the reason for many things, it's swishing towards us... soon, soon.  
  
  
Bet you can't believe I killed off Prue  
APPP! Or is it...? 


End file.
